Did I tell you? Do you know?

I gasp as I have my mouth covered. Covered from my parents hearing me-as I hold my gasp in the palm of my hands, I suck in for air to be met with salty, wet palmed skin meeting my mouth. Dad has gotten me beer as my spinal shots, morphine lacking relief has failed. A last ditched begged effort for pity & relief. Did they hear me? Did I stifle enough? I try so hard as beer is as expensive as medicine that has yet to find me a hiding place.

 

He has bought me full-on Budweiser. The Czech original, corrupted by greedy Americans. I listen to William Fitzsimmons, & the loved Julia Stone on his gorgeous album. On my iPad, I can see it as orbiting planets & moons as far from the original album as I am with relief on the app 'planetery'. I watch as my songs orbit moons. Did I ever tell you how I love space? Did I ever tell you the 'Budvar/Busweiser' story? How many key things did I forget to tell you, as I thought we had all the time in the world? Will you hear this song & know why it makes me cry? I hope I did, or that you find it in my SOS emails. You're so smart-& knew me so well...but did I know it all myself at the time? Will you figure it out? As you travel our world, will you figure it out from my missing pieces?

 

I hope you think of me as I was, as the current has too many tears to stifle. So many tears yet to find.

 

 

Heating pads & terrored thoughts

After my 4 filling go around a couple of days ago, my back jaw tooth is starting to lessen pain wise, but the jaw & neck strain of one with TMJ has hit hard tonight. I've been laying on my angry back so I can have my head propped up with that strangely uncalming blue heating pad behind my neck, offcentered to the left with my face trying it's best to keep my unhelpful left jaw somewhere near the heat. The featured pic is reversed, as I have no good light source at present on that side, but hopefully you get the point.

 

My heart ached as I just finished a funny, grieving, poignant mystery wrapped in an unlikely love story from a British TV series on Netflix. Thinking of moving on-& the evidently us moving to Arkansas hits my heart with a panicked bolt of terror. Yes there are pain clinics...but have doctors moved there since I left who can do the spinal shots? My first Little Rock doctor did shots but at the source of the pain-not the root where the pain originated. Yes, I'm told pain killers like I take here are probably possible, but that alone isn't enough. And probably? Probably? I silently start weeping, quietly as Chai bunny has been so concerned & up on my bed no less than 7 times in the past few days-tears running down my half-hot face as I ponder 'probably'. Sitting in my primary care doctor's office Wednesday, I felt like I was holding out as I could tell she knew I was holding out, as I can't figure out how to say the words 'we are probably moving. In a few months'. Dad made the 6 month blood tests & follow-up as I waited in the car, not being able to stand lying in her office anymore. I asked him why we even made an appointment that we know we probably won't be keeping. It came out harsh when it meant to come out terrorized, but my brain is so lost it doesn't know how to communicate anymore. I just wish I could have a heating pad wrapped inside my head, go into a coma-like state & not come out until there were no more probablys, & only things have been made markedly better with your 3+ medical specialists.

 

Kony 2012

As I sit here crying & bitching cos I had 4 really painful fillings yesterday, & have to go to the dr today, I watch this-& see how lucky I am to have medical care. Watch this please-spread the word, pass it on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc

The cleaning fiasco

Went to get my teeth cleaned today. Huge phobia of dentists, & hadn't had my teeth cleaned in a long while. Those of you professional spoonie sick people get how seeing 3-5 doctors regularly doesn't leave much time for dentists, & disability doesn't cover dentists. Lovely. Anyway, after getting 2 out of my 4 needed fillings & learning that laughing gas really helps keep my back ok during the process, I agreed to get the cleaning as they promised having laughing gas to get me through it was fine. They were fitting me in, so dad & I waited for about 30 minutes, in chairs that hurt so much, which feels ridiculous saying, much less typing & publishing for the world to see. I kept thinking, 'well, you'll be under the gas soon' to keep me from leaving. So they call me back & we soon hear that oh no! The one room in the joint that doesn't have gas in it is her room. She suggests we just do full mouth X-rays. Against my better judgement I agree. Dad had to run an errand & left. She not only does X-rays but for some unknown reason does every single tiny bit of every tooth with that evil 2-sided hook torture tool, while I'm bleeding everywhere & she is scolding me for not coming in sooner as my insurance, bought from them runs out in a few weeks. She calls dad back & tells him how bad my gums are & that I need serious gum therapy. This is now an hour and a half later. She brings my dentist in as he has to check me before I leave. He comes in & all four of us are in the room, & tears start just pouring down my face...though I'm completely silent. She didn't mean to but blamed the medications, stress, etc for why my gums are so bad. & heredity of course. We finally leave, & I weep openly for about an hour after. I now have a back that is screaming in pain, & it feels like muscles are being fed through a meat grinder while still attached to my bones, ligaments, & spine. Chai bunny got in bed with me & tore apart the goodie bag with the free floss, toothbrush & paste, as if she sensed hat new foreign bag was the source of my crying. So Monday I have part 2 of a promised gas filled cleaning, & Tuesday my 2 other fillings get filled. Then the next week neurologist to give spinal hots to try & undo the damage done today.

 

 

 

Illness with a side of depression

 Sometimes there are no words, too many tears, and so much unwarranted guilt. Only pictures can tell the whole story.

 

 

Zoe cat, Oct. 25,95-Feb. 1, 2011

 I just woke up, in a frenzied, panicked state. A year ago today, I had to put my beloved Zoe cat, age 15 & 1/2 years old, to sleep. It was the right thing & all that, but it is as fresh & cruel as it was a year ago. My longtime vet had the wisdom after giving her the shot that would end her & listening to make sure her heart stopped to gently wrap Zoe up in the towel I brought her in, to give me visual closure. To see her disappear into that mint green rolled up towel will forever be my last look at Zoe. 

 

I read recently somewhere about time healing, so to give time time, but for me, in this state of the housebound everyday is another long, hard same day, I hate time. Time in this case has put distance from that event but has only broken my heart more. Yes I remember all the good times with Zoe, all the overseas close calls & her little passport that got left in the Prague airport, but right now all I feel & have felt this past year is pain. 

 

 

Not pit, but pitiful

Today was one of those exhausting, sleep 13 hours but wake up feeling like my muscles ran a marathon. The pain kept me crying for at least an hour. Just the pain alone had me grieving for all i've lost these past 5 years. Yes I've gained, but on days like today, I don't care. All I know is pain, meds, & loss. 

the advantages of a bent-over pain posture

after my spinal shots at my neuro on tuesday, dad went out to drive the car around as we had parked at the end of the lot and i was not able to walk the length (which isn't long at all for most-but for me after shots-no way no how) back. i had been crying in the waiting room. the pain of the drive over and sitting in the chairs finally got to me-and after hearing Sarah Jarowz's cover of Radiohead's 'The Tourist', i lost it-i always find it interesting to see which song i lose it to if i do-last time it was Adele-Lovesong cover (the Cure). by the time i got back and was on the table waiting for him to come in, my left sciatic nerve and back where it stems from on the left side was so bad i wasn't crying-i was wailing like an animal. When Dr. T walked in he used the entire shot on just that area, instead of halfing it between two places. he then didn't even ask-just sent me straight in to get a pain shot. thank god above!

back to where i started-i was sitting on this ottoman/coffee table soft cushioned cube with a few christmas decorations that still were waiting to be put up-and i was hunched over in my pain. i noticed a gorgeous gold ornament had fallen off the tree in the back, by the corner window, and only from that hunched position could i see it-it was reflecting back the tree lights and was gorgeous. i picked up the cell camera and took a few shots, and for a small while was ok with the pain for the gorgeous ornament i identified with. apart from the tree and my real life, but able to reflect back something, somehow. 

use your words

woke up and immediately just started sobbing today. i have neuro spinal shots tomorrow-and love but am sick of drs. it's that catch-22, huh? i have an app that gives you about 20 words-you make a poem and add a pic-did these two yesterday. (app called "instant poetry")

Waiting room

Views of my dr appointment getting sciatic nerve & spinal shots






Never without my reading rabbit pocket watch or headphones & iPod



Spent most of the time slouched over staring at the floor & drowning myself in music



Over...with pain meds adjusted higher (many thanks to my nurse!) & taking this pic almost killed me. Posing hurts!

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Location:Dr office/car