Happy birthday Kris-you deserved to be my 41

I watched Modern Family a few nights ago-hilarious as always. One of the characters had a leap year birthday, & so in his lifetime he had 9 actual, Feb. 29th birthdays, & this was to be his 10th, although he was turning 40. As it ended up after disaster party plannings & fall throughs of people, places, & things, his partner realized he just wanted to be 10 for that night, not 40. Hilarious, poignant, & so sweet. They rode roller coasters until they got sick & loved every single vomit filled minute of it.

I've never been a big birthday person about myself, & for the first time ever I will admit why. I've been sick all my life. Not like now-professional status, but amateur sick. My brother died of cancer right before his 13th birthday, & a month & a half after my 9th. He was 11 days short of turning 13, & died an agonizing death. Cancer didn't kill him-he drowned from the vomit in his lungs from the cancer 'complications'. Complications my ass. That's how it was phrased but shit, I think a stronger word than complications is deserved.

I always have felt guilty that I lived & he died. Still do, & I doubt that will change. Perfect kid, great at sports, so smart he'd be off in Memphis having surgery or chemo, come back to classes & ace tests over material he knew nothing about. Sweet, loving, loved the kids who no one else liked, treated everyone with love & respect. That kind of kid. I still question God's judgement on taking him but leaving me, a amateur in training sick girl. That's why I've never relished my birthdays. Mom & dad-no one knows this, but as my life is so open now, thought I'd get it out.

 

 

Right before I took on my professional status ;)

 

Present skin

 I have a pinched nerve in my back, which after the fall a few weeks ago has been truly unbearable. Like I want to blow my head off or be put in a coma just so I won't be aware of the pain. A few minutes ago, I reached back to adjust the always present ice pack for inflammation that has filled my body like I'm a pod person, & when I did I barely grazed my skin. Not with a fingernail, not with anything sharp-just my finger barely touching my skin...& it felt like I had taken a lit match & held it there to burn & fester. I try & see my life like this pic-the left exciting, with beautiful colors & tons of pebbles representing events, Super Bowl parties, travel, drinks with friends. The right side is my now life-giant circles of bland colorless life.

 

Groundhog day, the movie

 I have a friend who never really watched tv or movies, but LOVED the flick Groundhog Day. With Bill Murray in it you can hardly go wrong (God I love that man). Funny thing about my life...I live that movie-where everything is the same day after day after day after day after day-did I mention day after day? The only things that change are the number of my falls, which beloved pet dies, & the once a month awesome yet painful neuro doctor visit-awesome cos he is the only person physically close (as in I see him regularly) to me that really, truly, thoroughly gets fibromyalgia, the depression, the extreme sensitivity to lights, flares, & knows why & exactly where it hurts every single time. 

 

 

Now, evidently in a few months my day will change. I will move. I will grieve, yet again, about losing someone I love. But that's par for my course, as losing friends who can't understand why sitting & talking to them keeps me in bed for a few day, or why working 4 hours a week (which my friend said '4 hours a week is nothing!') truly is something impossible in my world, or friends who devastate me more by saying 'you can do it! You'll be fine' having no idea the cost. 

So happy groundhog day to my friend I miss so much I get physically sick to my stomach, who I will always link him & groundhog day, & to those of you whose days vary, I envy you in a sweet way. For you will never know what reliving the same day over again for 5 years does to a persons soul. 

 

Zoe cat, Oct. 25,95-Feb. 1, 2011

 I just woke up, in a frenzied, panicked state. A year ago today, I had to put my beloved Zoe cat, age 15 & 1/2 years old, to sleep. It was the right thing & all that, but it is as fresh & cruel as it was a year ago. My longtime vet had the wisdom after giving her the shot that would end her & listening to make sure her heart stopped to gently wrap Zoe up in the towel I brought her in, to give me visual closure. To see her disappear into that mint green rolled up towel will forever be my last look at Zoe. 

 

I read recently somewhere about time healing, so to give time time, but for me, in this state of the housebound everyday is another long, hard same day, I hate time. Time in this case has put distance from that event but has only broken my heart more. Yes I remember all the good times with Zoe, all the overseas close calls & her little passport that got left in the Prague airport, but right now all I feel & have felt this past year is pain. 

 

 

Grief

 Right now I'm grieving, for things that are happening, & things that are to come, like losing the best 2 doctors I've ever had. & leaving my 2 pets & their graves. I haven't laughed in days, & I can't stop crying. But hey, these pics won some awards. 

 

 

 

The fallout

 

Stress dreams

I have stress dreams. Not nightmares-someone trying to kill me would be a pleasure given the crap I dream about. This is a representation of why I hate going to sleep. 

This little light

In the past 24 hours we have the tragedy in Norway with close to 100 dead, another singer die at the age of 27, & the 2nd man in his early 40s from my hometown die.



At times like these people tend to light a candle-for comfort, to signify no matter how dark things look you can still find a tiny light if you look closely enough...



Or just to do something to show you care & this is the only way you can show it









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