Who I was & what I wore

Funny how our wardrobes somewhat dictate or openly invite the world into our personalities-we show them very intimate facts about us simply by what we wear. Who I used to be vs now are as polar as opposites can be. People like me wear elastic waist to avoid buttons. Panties 2-3 sizes to big so as little material as possible touches us-for me my lower spine. Clothing becomes something to tolerate, not express. For a fashion lover like I am it absolutely sucks. I had to go through my wardrobe today to keep, donate, or throw away. Several things had literally worn out-evidently I worked & played really hard ;). Seeing my grad school/Little Rock years gutted me. Amazing how an item of clothing can hold more memories than a camera. Some items I had to keep, way to old & small, but to put in the back of a drawer to pull out when I need to remember. Here is who I used to be, that few of you were able to meet.

 

My absolute ultimate me item. A very thin long sleeved patchwork shirt-ripped, sewn & repaired beyond repair, & scented with Brazil nights on the beach, teaching days at UALR, & my old tangerine perfume. I so gently put one hand & arm through a sleeve, just to feel the old me again.

My orange long patchwork skirt. Usually worn with combat boots, a denim shirt & confidence. So great how a piece of clothing gives you confidence that no self help book ever could. It too was worn all over Little Rock, Brazil, etc. I normally wore it with the next item.

 

The simple denim shirt/jacket combo. The pockets were over the chest, & great to stick money, my ID, phone, & lip balm in...look closely at the bottom right of the pocket & you'll see the cylinder shape of a Burt's Bees lip balm. I wore this as a shirt or jacket at least 3-5 times a week.

 

My wardrobe had loads of shirts & jeans paired with blazers & tennis shoes. The blazer dressed it up for teaching, & the shoes for walking all around that seemingly huge campus. I loved mixing stripes, so I often wore pinstriped blazers with totally random striped tees.

 

My favorite statement...'your future ex-girlfriend'. The dating scene post divorce, being overseas for a decade, etc was a new world. I was shocked people still stood you up, broke up through emails, & other fun dating no-nos. I quickly developed a cynical outlook but deep down was the 12 year old asking 'why didn't he like me?'. This shirt at least made me feel that to those possible idiots I wasn't as sweet as I seemed in that aspect.

I don't know who I am now. My wardrobe reflects so little of my true nature, & that is one of the unspoken losses invisible illness people often face...so the next time you see someone like me, remember them for who they used to be able to show.

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Did I tell you? Do you know?

I gasp as I have my mouth covered. Covered from my parents hearing me-as I hold my gasp in the palm of my hands, I suck in for air to be met with salty, wet palmed skin meeting my mouth. Dad has gotten me beer as my spinal shots, morphine lacking relief has failed. A last ditched begged effort for pity & relief. Did they hear me? Did I stifle enough? I try so hard as beer is as expensive as medicine that has yet to find me a hiding place.

 

He has bought me full-on Budweiser. The Czech original, corrupted by greedy Americans. I listen to William Fitzsimmons, & the loved Julia Stone on his gorgeous album. On my iPad, I can see it as orbiting planets & moons as far from the original album as I am with relief on the app 'planetery'. I watch as my songs orbit moons. Did I ever tell you how I love space? Did I ever tell you the 'Budvar/Busweiser' story? How many key things did I forget to tell you, as I thought we had all the time in the world? Will you hear this song & know why it makes me cry? I hope I did, or that you find it in my SOS emails. You're so smart-& knew me so well...but did I know it all myself at the time? Will you figure it out? As you travel our world, will you figure it out from my missing pieces?

 

I hope you think of me as I was, as the current has too many tears to stifle. So many tears yet to find.

 

 

Hearts follow

 I started seeing hearts (& I've never been an I love hearts kind of girl) right before I started getting sick, really sick, about 6-7 years ago. I still catch glimpses, though not as much now. I would see them walking across campus at UALR in leaves, etc. today, after waking up in the middle of the night to the worse panic attack that still hasn't subsided hours later, this showed up, as I reached in the toilet paper bag for a new role, & pulled out this random roll. & no, this wasn't taken during any 'act'. ;)