Tuesday, November 20, 2012

And so this is Thanksgiving

Something has broken. Something snapped-the straw has broken the camel's back. Hope has disappeared & the bleakest, blackest darkness is here.

I was blogging daily for WEGO & the November NHBPM (national health blog post month) & was into day 5-10 when the flare came on, & for the first time I understood what 'losing consciousness/feeling' meant. The level of pain was so bad it simply wore me out & I couldn't stay awake. By no means was it peaceful slumber, rather sharply stunted sleep between fits of electric nerve endings firing off at insane intervals. Nevertheless, I stopped blogging. I stopped being able to do much of anything. Going to the bathroom was work. Making food was a joke. Something changed when the last weather related change came, & I came undone.

A Czech friend had asked & sent her PHD paper for me to look at-having been so eager to help I now haven't even opened it. A friend L noticed I had stopped communicating & sent several gorgeous pictures of fall leaves-I only saw one, & for me it represented how I felt. Instead of the beautiful colored leaf it was in black & white with almost silver overtones. He too lives somehow outside yet exists inside life. He understands the suffocating loneliness. He sees things skewed & different than the normal family bound individual.

Having not seen my new neurologist lately, I saw him Monday. My old dr I saw every month & sometimes every 2 weeks. Deep down I knew he wasn't the one-he wasn't treating me at all, rather seeing me every 2-3 months & on HIS timetable just giving me morphine. He left every appt abruptly, never returning yet leaving me alone in the room for 30 mins before his staff found me & gave me a random appt. so after barely showering, my clothes feeling so uncomfortable & seeing in the light of day my hair almost half grey which stunned me I went & waited. He came in, asked me about side effects-I think he had nothing to say yet felt he needed to & just asked a random question. I mentioned my face-I have periods where my face has the bright red butterfly rash that appears & lasts for days much like the Lupus butterfly rash. I mentioned it as my face was so hot & so red & I felt surely he would notice. Nope. He asked if I had Lupus. What? You, my neurologist, you're asking if I have lupus? Stunned I answer no, I was tested for that years ago, & explain that fibromyalgia often produces this same rash much like lupus. I explain that to said neurologist. Dad had come back into the room at that time & was just waiting with me, as he hen just stood up, said he would be back, & after speaking/listening to me for maybe 3 minutes leaves us, & his nurse comes 30 minutes later with half of my prescriptions & an appt to see him in 3 months. Right then was when this thing broke. I had gone for 2 months without seeing him & after that pitiful excuse of a visit he now doesn't 'need' to see me for 3 months? The nurse/staff says my morphine isn't due for a few days so I can't get the RX now. Let me explain-that kind of RX comes with a special 'do not fill until this date' kind of safety thing. My old dr gave me my RX a week or 2 before trusting & knowing I wouldn't & COULDN'T fill it early. As we get in the car & look up the dates we see I will be out of morphine this weekend, & as we know their office is closing Wednesday for the holiday dad calls & asks shall we pick it up then? He is told no, sorry, you will have to wait & call/pick it up the following Monday. Dad pleads, saying 'but she will be dying by then...' only to be told sorry & be hung up on. Obviously I will never go back to him, but what now? I have seen so many drs. I have been sent away by so many as a challenging case. I can't stay on this merry-go-round of piecemeal health care any longer. For the first time honestly my hope in anything is gone. I have nothing left. With no family or kids of my own I feel so alone. So lost. My old best friend was in Colombia & a girl/dalliance kept saying to him 'just be, just be!' & we always laughed about it...but when literally just being leaves you exhausted, without help or any hope to speak of, what then?


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