Roles we play

As human beings, whether we are straight forward or a bit more mysterious & in the shadows, we all play certain roles. Child, sibling, co-worker, friend, ex, virtual connection, parent, aunt, cousin, etc. I play many of these roles, but mine have decreased greatly in past years. I lost being a teacher, co-worker, graduate student, apartment renter, car owner, driver, bar & restaurant patron, shopper, independent person, etc. I gained as well-facebooker, twitter-er, patient, blogger, documentarian, the caregiver's person, bed sitter, disabled person, etc. Often I feel just 2-3 roles. The real me, the brave face hiding me, & the trying so hard but the facade breaks down me. It's a strange world in the brains of the chronically sick.

 

It's all me but I'm split into 3

 

Often I just want to hide.

 

Or keep my sliced life at a distance

 

I try & disguise the pain behind a mask.

 

& end up giving bits & pieces of myself to different people, but did they get to see the whole me?

Prettying up the mundane

Lately a few things have happened-been said-etc in which the subject was played up or down to disguise the honest truth. Not lies, just made-up or tweaked in order to appear a bit better. If you strip down me to my absolute basics, am I too much to take on? Have the medicines that make me gain weight change minds? Do the humiliating truths of the basic life & personal care & lack of force someone's decision one way or another? Is the real me, not cropped & photoshopped so different that offers & futures come down to that? The real me? I don't know if I want to know the answer. Just like this simple picture of my AM/PM medicine strips is made to look prettier, cooler looking...not as boring & honest as the actual 'weekly filling of the pill strips' that I hate doing just too much for someone to admit into their lives? I honestly don't know.

 

Sides of sides

I just watched Bridesmaids, & had no idea it was as serious as it was funny. I often feel like the main character-left behind while everyone else is married with 7 kids & perfect jobs, etc. Of course that isn't the case-& everyone sees & takes information & life differently. We all interpret the same thing so vastly unique, & as lonely & out on a limb as I feel I know there are those who feel the same though to me they seem to have everything together. This is a painting I did, & put through different techniques just a few tweaks off you get interpretations that are miles apart. I have no answers or solutions to which one is the way my life should o, & I'm not going to pretend that it is easy in any way, shape, or form. I do know that I like each picture for their own merits, pros & cons.

 

 

 

Zoe cat, Oct. 25,95-Feb. 1, 2011

 I just woke up, in a frenzied, panicked state. A year ago today, I had to put my beloved Zoe cat, age 15 & 1/2 years old, to sleep. It was the right thing & all that, but it is as fresh & cruel as it was a year ago. My longtime vet had the wisdom after giving her the shot that would end her & listening to make sure her heart stopped to gently wrap Zoe up in the towel I brought her in, to give me visual closure. To see her disappear into that mint green rolled up towel will forever be my last look at Zoe. 

 

I read recently somewhere about time healing, so to give time time, but for me, in this state of the housebound everyday is another long, hard same day, I hate time. Time in this case has put distance from that event but has only broken my heart more. Yes I remember all the good times with Zoe, all the overseas close calls & her little passport that got left in the Prague airport, but right now all I feel & have felt this past year is pain.