Monday, February 27, 2012

Chai bunny & the Oscars

Yesterday morning before I went to sleep (we're's called 'painsomnia') Chai bunny & I played in the spare room. I had been gearing up for the Oscars & per usual talked out loud to myself & her about my predictions, the fashion, etc. Keeping that in mind here are some of the scenarios Chai acted out ;)


Showing the back of her dress & face


Reaching back in her limo to get her clutch purse


The accidental nip slip ;)


And after a great night going to drink at the Vanity Fair party...;)

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Chai bunny, false mommy to be

Female rabbits can fairly often think that they are pregnant...& Chai bunny is no different. She has a nest built up in the closet-& when I say built up I mean it's a foot high, & she goes in the neck of a sweatshirt & the inside body is full of her own pulled out fur, newspapers, bags, phone book pages, hay, etc. She currently has Sugar, the left foot of my old bunny slippers, guarding the nest-face down in the fur lining of the entrance to said hutch. While Sloan & family were here Chai took Sugar & Spice (the right slipper) into the closet on guard duty. Spice is currently sitting with his face touching, not just under, Chai's water bottle tube. She managed to sneak an old washcloth halfway across the room on its way to the nest before I got it...she keeps my life interesting in more ways than I can begin to explain. Here are a few photo-manipulated shots of her begging for treats beside my bed & enjoying them like the little whiny grunty pig dog she is ;)




Saturday, February 25, 2012

Mean girls

Recently I had a strange virtual encounter. And not of the fun blog automatically links/is networked to my Facebook, & though I usually post it with an intro, it goes up regardless. A girl who I rarely talk to-one of those friends we all have-you went to high school or university with them, but you aren't sure exactly who they are but you have 37 mutual friends...I think we all have those & some have become my favorite people on earth, some not. Anyway, I don't know if she knew the blog attached was mine as it doesn't have my name & could be something I just put up on my page, but she made a pretty rude comment asking where I got such s#+t. I didn't know what she meant but it came across, & I heard privately from people who were really upset that are spilling out my heart in the particular blog she wrote that on my Facebook page, for my nieces, cousins, etc to see, that she felt my attitude/me not 'don't worry be happy' feelings weren't how she subscribed to life. As my mom taught me, I considered the source, though I still can't place her ;) & this morning unfriended her. She won't care & it doesn't matter, but I realized how lucky I am to have friends who understand firsthand or support me even though they can't totally get these illnesses. It really hurt though, & it bothered me all week. I'm letting it go, after a week of wounded pride & waiting to see if she would say anything, then a few hours ago seeing a status I felt was ridiculous pushed the unfriend button. Weight lifted.


Friday, February 24, 2012

Words with really smart friends

I love any kind of word games, & have several on my iPad. Spell tower, Word Welder, etc. I am even halfway good at some of them...but Words With Friends, not so much. After getting up, goofing & sitting in my dr's office to deal with the shingles on my bum, blood test checks, & a thousand other hings with my 6 month check-up, dad saw that the waiting time would be hours & I was so uncomfortable that we rescheduled. Shingles be damned. Got home & was still awake when a friend started a game with me. I had gotten the game on sale months ago but hadn't really played, & had only played like twice if that. As an ex-English teacher & linguistics masters student, I feel a need to seem half competent, but I'm really not. I didn't even realize you could make 2 words on one play until my much smarter friend I'd it today. They must think 'her meds must be impeding her thought process' or if I play someone who doesn't know me think they are playing a 12 year old. Embarrassing? Yes. Beaten? Badly. Fun? Yes, & the sad little competitive me tries so hard & am on a child's level, & that's actually insulting to kids. I'll keep playing though, & maybe one day beat a 7 year old.





The link for winning a $200 Amazon gift card! Good luck!


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The red dots of rage

After being an on again, off again haver of shingles, tonight I found them on my ass. Lovely. I have my 6 month primary doctor appointment tomorrow, so at least I'll get meds, & I can make the red dots of pain pretty. ;)


Grieving the small

When people are around that normally aren't, as a sick pro you notice the little things. My sister, husband, 2 teenage nieces, and adorable dog are leaving tomorrow after being here a few days. We've had a great time, & today they shopped, got mani/pedis, etc. Chai bunny got petted a good while by lovely Abby, & loved her...& didn't want me to take her back up. She thumped when I put her back upstairs, as she had traced out to the full attention of someone who is sweet & is able to sit on the floor with her, & not like me-who has to reach down from the bed. Emma got awesome new shoes & Abby the cutest dresses. Cameron & I talked iPad technology, & Sloan & I talked everything. They ate out, took dad to the movies, & did the normal things. I forget how much people really live until they're around. Of course I hold no bad thoughts about any of that, but seeing a dress I might have worn, or a movie I would see on the big screen, etc, a part of me grieves, & parts of me die. That's normal, & if I wasn't that way I'd be lying.



Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Constellation me

After luckily winning an iTunes gift card from a contest the makers of the fantastic Star Walk (& Solar Walk & Geo Walk) I was inspired to buy the photo app, Poly, so I could make constellations of me & my life. Here are a few examples...thanks Star Walk!





Monday, February 20, 2012

Self in fade

Often times seeing family, as fantastic as it is, leaves me lonelier than I thought possible. My siblings, both close to my age, married & with great kids is very bittersweet. My glowing, honest, thorough joy for them is also shadowed by the me that could have been, or the possibility that one day it could change. Dad asking in front of the group to go to the movies with hem, knowing fully how bad it is just riding in a car, much less being in difficult seating, trying to walk distances so tough, but feeling like there might be a slight hope that maybe I'll say yes...cos I don't look sick. How do you explain how most chairs are torture chambers? That sitting at the table for 30 minutes leaves one in excruciating pain later that night? The gracefulness that they hopefully will never know that pain, but the frustration felt looking in their puzzled eyes as they try to understand.


Sunday, February 19, 2012


Fell again today...but at least my brain told my arms to react this time. Been on a heating pad for hours...& family came in tonight to visit for 3 days. I can tell I'm boning to be a fantastic host. Oh sarcasm, we get on so well!


Friday, February 17, 2012

Bruises without boundaries

As a girl who has to take loads of medications, vitamins, herbs, etc, I tend to bruise easier than the Georgiaiest peach. After the 2nd big fall a few weeks ago, my dentist has me taking even more generic Advil for inflammation in my gums & right side of my jaw, which is still preventing me from biting down properly. After getting spinal shots on Valentines day, I also got the usual pain shot which helps the hour drive back home less painful. I woke up to find this bruise wrapped from my right hip/bum area all he way around my hip & stomach...roughly the size of my iPad. Lovely, no?





Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Happy spiney valentines!

 This is a couple of days late...but wanted to share my valentines day. The night before my parents surprised me with a little, adorable, perfectly tiny Kindle as a combined early March birthday, Easter, & any other spring holiday you can think of-it's perfect for me, & I took it with me to my neuro appt on V-Day. I absolutely love it, & have already started a ton of new free books. ;)

It even let's me underline & write notes to my heart's content!


Monday, February 13, 2012

Czech pub crawl days

 As my parents are getting us somewhat started in the moving process, every single day seems like there are new things of mine in the garage to discuss of 'can we give this away?' or boxes to sort through. Day before last one box held some very dear treasures. It was in a box of what seemed to be my lingerie drawer, & as I don't really have a need for much of that these days it had been in a box in the garage. When asked why two shirts & some others dear things were in said drawer, I smiled & answered that they were so special they deserved to be kept with lovely things. One was a beer shirt from a Czech company I worked for, & the other was my dear friend Henry's birthday pub crawl t-shirt. I cried when I read & saw all the things on it-a Scottish flag drawn by Stevie, Zoe the cat on one sleeve, Rob's 'Marnie is cool' heart drawing, my 'pivo/piva/piv'...the three forms of the p,urals of beer depending on how many you were ordering, with a little beer mug next to it. I miss those days so much, & the friends I still have now, even ten years on. 




Saturday, February 11, 2012

Illness with a side of depression

 Sometimes there are no words, too many tears, and so much unwarranted guilt. Only pictures can tell the whole story.



Thursday, February 9, 2012

Prettying up the pills

 I get so sick of taking medicine, so I did a photo series making the ugly in my world...though I depend upon them for pain, sanity, etc...a bit prettier. 






Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Dentist after the fall

 After falling almost 2 weeks ago, it was time to see the dentist as my teeth aren't hitting right & biting down isn't working. We were scared I had bent my bridge (front 4 teeth on top) & that it might need replacing, etc, but thankfully it just bruised the gums a lot & there is still a good amount of inflammation affecting my mouth/bite. Also my right side of my jaw is swollen & sore he discovered. So all in all it went much better than I expected. 


The bad part...& many of you professional sick people will understand, just sitting in the dentist's chair (even with my pillow I brought under my knees) starting shooting pain from my back & pinched nerve within a few minutes of sitting down. It's so hard to explain why later in the day & days after why sitting in a nice, cushioned chair can really hurt in the long run. I have 4 cavities I have to take care of in 2 separate appointments later in the next few weeks. :(


Sunday, February 5, 2012

Present skin

 I have a pinched nerve in my back, which after the fall a few weeks ago has been truly unbearable. Like I want to blow my head off or be put in a coma just so I won't be aware of the pain. A few minutes ago, I reached back to adjust the always present ice pack for inflammation that has filled my body like I'm a pod person, & when I did I barely grazed my skin. Not with a fingernail, not with anything sharp-just my finger barely touching my skin...& it felt like I had taken a lit match & held it there to burn & fester. I try & see my life like this pic-the left exciting, with beautiful colors & tons of pebbles representing events, Super Bowl parties, travel, drinks with friends. The right side is my now life-giant circles of bland colorless life.


Saturday, February 4, 2012

How ebooks helped bring me back to reading

 I will always love a physical book...the feel, the weight, the particular paper used, the smell, the cover art. After I got sick, I found the mere combination of holding a book open while reading was exhausting. After 7-8 pages I wouldn't be able to continue. I couldn't believe it-it sounds impossible to not be able to simply read. I used to read 3-5 books a week, & losing that was another of my great griefs of being chronically sick. After I got an iPad, I got the kindle app, & recently started checking out ebooks from the library & getting free or cheap books through the Amazon kindle store. I find that having black pages & white letters helps tremendously. 

Today, I finished my 1st book in 5 years. Although my joy is tempered by the tear stained pained eyes from what morphine can't cancel out, I still am so proud of myself. It sounds so pathetic, but going from reading 5 long novels a week to nothing in 5 years, well, I find my joy where I can. 

P.S. my book was 'Sleeping Murder', by the brilliant Agatha Christie-a Ms. Marple mystery



Thursday, February 2, 2012

Groundhog day, the movie

 I have a friend who never really watched tv or movies, but LOVED the flick Groundhog Day. With Bill Murray in it you can hardly go wrong (God I love that man). Funny thing about my life...I live that movie-where everything is the same day after day after day after day after day-did I mention day after day? The only things that change are the number of my falls, which beloved pet dies, & the once a month awesome yet painful neuro doctor visit-awesome cos he is the only person physically close (as in I see him regularly) to me that really, truly, thoroughly gets fibromyalgia, the depression, the extreme sensitivity to lights, flares, & knows why & exactly where it hurts every single time. 



Now, evidently in a few months my day will change. I will move. I will grieve, yet again, about losing someone I love. But that's par for my course, as losing friends who can't understand why sitting & talking to them keeps me in bed for a few day, or why working 4 hours a week (which my friend said '4 hours a week is nothing!') truly is something impossible in my world, or friends who devastate me more by saying 'you can do it! You'll be fine' having no idea the cost. 

So happy groundhog day to my friend I miss so much I get physically sick to my stomach, who I will always link him & groundhog day, & to those of you whose days vary, I envy you in a sweet way. For you will never know what reliving the same day over again for 5 years does to a persons soul. 


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Zoe cat, Oct. 25,95-Feb. 1, 2011

 I just woke up, in a frenzied, panicked state. A year ago today, I had to put my beloved Zoe cat, age 15 & 1/2 years old, to sleep. It was the right thing & all that, but it is as fresh & cruel as it was a year ago. My longtime vet had the wisdom after giving her the shot that would end her & listening to make sure her heart stopped to gently wrap Zoe up in the towel I brought her in, to give me visual closure. To see her disappear into that mint green rolled up towel will forever be my last look at Zoe. 


I read recently somewhere about time healing, so to give time time, but for me, in this state of the housebound everyday is another long, hard same day, I hate time. Time in this case has put distance from that event but has only broken my heart more. Yes I remember all the good times with Zoe, all the overseas close calls & her little passport that got left in the Prague airport, but right now all I feel & have felt this past year is pain.