Saturday, March 3, 2012

Happy birthday Kris-you deserved to be my 41

I watched Modern Family a few nights ago-hilarious as always. One of the characters had a leap year birthday, & so in his lifetime he had 9 actual, Feb. 29th birthdays, & this was to be his 10th, although he was turning 40. As it ended up after disaster party plannings & fall throughs of people, places, & things, his partner realized he just wanted to be 10 for that night, not 40. Hilarious, poignant, & so sweet. They rode roller coasters until they got sick & loved every single vomit filled minute of it.

I've never been a big birthday person about myself, & for the first time ever I will admit why. I've been sick all my life. Not like now-professional status, but amateur sick. My brother died of cancer right before his 13th birthday, & a month & a half after my 9th. He was 11 days short of turning 13, & died an agonizing death. Cancer didn't kill him-he drowned from the vomit in his lungs from the cancer 'complications'. Complications my ass. That's how it was phrased but shit, I think a stronger word than complications is deserved.

I always have felt guilty that I lived & he died. Still do, & I doubt that will change. Perfect kid, great at sports, so smart he'd be off in Memphis having surgery or chemo, come back to classes & ace tests over material he knew nothing about. Sweet, loving, loved the kids who no one else liked, treated everyone with love & respect. That kind of kid. I still question God's judgement on taking him but leaving me, a amateur in training sick girl. That's why I've never relished my birthdays. Mom & dad-no one knows this, but as my life is so open now, thought I'd get it out.



Right before I took on my professional status ;)



  1. Every time I read a post about the loss of a sibling, I remember how close I was to losing my own, and, dear god, I don't want to remember that. Sometimes I have trouble convincing my mind that he's still here. He is real

  2. I knew you felt this way. There is no rhyme or reason to who dies and who lives, but I do know you have been a blessing to me and you have enriched my life.

  3. Thanks you guys. If I'm honest, today was just sad. Other people say they will raise a glass when they're out tonight, which is so sweet but holy hell. The fact that I'm upstairs, alone, just slowly weeping sucks. My frozen tv dinner still is sitting on my bed, cold 7 hours later. I feel like this new, sick me-well I just feel so sorry for her-for she is NOT me, yet she is. & my heart breaks that she has never had a real, fun, out with friends day. It's not self pity it's pity for her...this sad, lost girl. Xxxooo