Migraine dazes

I don't have migraine headaches often, but when I do they take me under. After taking Chai bunny to the vet Wednesday, I took a nap & woke up feeling as if my neck was in a vice & there was a softball between my eyes, pulsating & waiting to explode. It is still here but has moved to the right temple. All I can do is try to sit or recline while supporting my neck until this passes. I will fill you in later about Chai bunny's magical adventure ;)

 

 

Missing House

Yesterday I went to the neuro. After running the tests 3 times & my proteins being slightly elevated I have for now (again) been ruled out MS-wise. Of course we were thrilled, & after the dr gave me 2 shots in the sciatic nerve & pinched nerve. I was really hurting-I hadn't realized that for me/a fibro person, the spinal tap took a lot more out of me than I thought. Our cable went out, & sadly I missed the series finale of House. Look, I know his character was an ass, yet I grew to love him. Better or worse parts of how he acts reflects me sometimes. I guess having the world see how chronic pain can change you helps me cope somehow. I love & will miss how he, as well as my real doctors see me as a pattern & puzzle for good-not something to chuck out & refer endlessly to other drs to get me out of their offices. Being dismissed because you are too complicated is a special kind of rejection hell. This pic & poem (instant poetry gives you 35+ words & you make something with it) was taken tonight, after I slept about 19 hours. Enjoy & excuse the crazy. :)

 

I write about my health because...#HAWMC/WEGO makeup blog

I write about my health because it became an outlet, using words & my self-documenting pictures to get out the things inside me. It became therapy. To pour out my twisted mind & soul & pain keeps things from becoming so bottled up-so crushed without oxygen that I'm ready to implode-from becoming a human bomb & taking out a city block. Figuratively of course...please don't put me on some government watchlist! When I became housebound my parents very lovingly became exhausted from my needing to grieve & get things out. The few therapists I tried said I was pretty much doing all I could do & when I showed my last one my pictures, he said that was the best thing I could do-to blog through my pictures & words. I love that I can educate as well-for invisible illness people usually don't look sick, & I wanted to show the times that we actually do. Very often I'll come downstairs from my bedroom, & as my parents glance up at me they say things like 'honey, you just look like you're about to die!' Lots of times it's that I'll wake up in the middle of a dream & still be in that sleeping/waking nightmare that takes awhile to get out of. Fibromyalgia patients don't get the delta wave sleep most of the rest of the world gets-you know the levels of sleep-REM, etc. Sleep labs have shown that we are missing our bodies delta wave sleep stage-that is the stage of sleep where among other things our bodies heal ourselves. This is science-not something I read about on some sketchy website. When I wake up from the middle of a dream & not slowly wake up normally it exhausts me. All of this is to say that my blog is for me selfishly as it's cheaper than therapy...for people who are coping with illnesses of any kind as well...& to educate. What started as just a picture a day turned into me writing as well, although there are times a picture says it all, or I just can't physically do anything else. Thanks #HAWMC (health advocates writers month challenge) for getting me to branch out this month. This is my next to last makeup post, & I have loved it!

 

My eyes realizing

Tonight I realized...I can't go on living here. I can't live without a dr in Arkansas. I can't keep my parents saddled with me. I can't hold them back. They've spent so much time house hunting, yet no time dr hunting as no one there will take my case. I can't keep going to sleep having nightmares only to wake up exhausted, depressed & worse off then when I went to bed. 

The yes when you realize there is no end. To pain, to a life, to a good living situation, to peace, to going on any longer. 

Stress dreams

I have stress dreams. Not nightmares-someone trying to kill me would be a pleasure given the crap I dream about. This is a representation of why I hate going to sleep.