Tangled up layers of a person

It is hard to know when I see myself which parts have been there all along, which are just coming out, & which are just the way my persona & body & soul are coping. I wrote this earlier tonight, as the house was getting ready to be shown to sell. Me behind the filth, the perceived anger, the not included in decision making then when I get 'angry' what you see. Me behind the 'how can you live like this?' me behind the purposeful lives of my siblings & their families. Me behind the failure. The pain. The searching. The lost. The forgone conclusion.

 

Roles we play

As human beings, whether we are straight forward or a bit more mysterious & in the shadows, we all play certain roles. Child, sibling, co-worker, friend, ex, virtual connection, parent, aunt, cousin, etc. I play many of these roles, but mine have decreased greatly in past years. I lost being a teacher, co-worker, graduate student, apartment renter, car owner, driver, bar & restaurant patron, shopper, independent person, etc. I gained as well-facebooker, twitter-er, patient, blogger, documentarian, the caregiver's person, bed sitter, disabled person, etc. Often I feel just 2-3 roles. The real me, the brave face hiding me, & the trying so hard but the facade breaks down me. It's a strange world in the brains of the chronically sick.

 

It's all me but I'm split into 3

 

Often I just want to hide.

 

Or keep my sliced life at a distance

 

I try & disguise the pain behind a mask.

 

& end up giving bits & pieces of myself to different people, but did they get to see the whole me?