Roles we play

As human beings, whether we are straight forward or a bit more mysterious & in the shadows, we all play certain roles. Child, sibling, co-worker, friend, ex, virtual connection, parent, aunt, cousin, etc. I play many of these roles, but mine have decreased greatly in past years. I lost being a teacher, co-worker, graduate student, apartment renter, car owner, driver, bar & restaurant patron, shopper, independent person, etc. I gained as well-facebooker, twitter-er, patient, blogger, documentarian, the caregiver's person, bed sitter, disabled person, etc. Often I feel just 2-3 roles. The real me, the brave face hiding me, & the trying so hard but the facade breaks down me. It's a strange world in the brains of the chronically sick.

 

It's all me but I'm split into 3

 

Often I just want to hide.

 

Or keep my sliced life at a distance

 

I try & disguise the pain behind a mask.

 

& end up giving bits & pieces of myself to different people, but did they get to see the whole me?

Sliced life

As many of my fellow sickities or those who know me know I often talk about the old me & this new me. More precisely, as it's been 5+ years, I think I should call it the now me. Today was a pretty decent day-no horrific stress dreams, pain more bearable for the first time in days, watching Justified & Southland & being amazed by such talent & incredible writing-dad finding my favorite veggie Lean Cuisine tofu strips & veggies in a tomato curry sauce, etc. Still though, I woke with a sense of doom. Seeing pics of friends & family on spring break trips thrilled me but made me long for the days of teaching ESL. One spring break I had 2 out of my 13 adult students in Little Rock who didn't have plans, so I took those 2 guys with me everywhere...out for drinks, the movies, anything-as seeing them so happy for their classmates going off on adventures yet sad to be left behind & alone crushed my heart for them. We had a blast, just doing normal things but getting to know them better-Ronaldo from Brazil, & BK from South Korea. BK opened up so much, & Ronaldo & I loved it as he & I were already good friends but seeing BK coming out of his shell was so liberating.

 

Today out in the garage, grabbing a club soda (or magic water as I lovingly refer to it) I saw some of my overseas things & student's gifts in a box, & it was the epitome of bittersweet. I don't know if I will ever fit the slices of my lives together well, but at least I can say on most days I try.