This morning...#HAWMC WEGO day 12

Today we are to start with the given sentence & just free write. 'This morning I looked in the mirror' & immediately looked away. It's funny. I've been documenting my illnesses for almost 5 years now, & most of the pics are self portraits. I don't mind looking at them...even though they are me they aren't. They're the subject of documenting fibromyalgia & how it looks, acts, is. Taking pics & opening myself up to something so vulnerable is a project-a coping mechanism, just like blogging & a pic a day is-it might seem vain but it's a far cry from that. I used to photograph my overseas living, travels, & when I became housebound I had to turn the camera on myself to face what I was becoming. It was a way to learn to live with this new, foreign me in a distant way. Taking it as a project kept it from becoming too personal at first. I was looking at a disease. I hate seeing myself. I hate looking into a mirror. There are days I purposely don't look in a mirror for days, yet I see myself in photo manipulating pics daily. I'm sure it will continue to stay that way, though I know it's not totally healthy. Just trying to make it minute to hour to day to week to month is hard enough.

 

 

Keep calm...WEGO/HAKMC Day 9

For day 9's task, we were to create through the keep calm & carry on maker online, but to use our message, illnesses, etc to personalize. As the lymphedema (severe swelling in one leg) is getting much worse, it is very hard to just walk. A few hours ago the parents called me down to the garage to go through a few boxes. I was hurt & surprised as they knew how going up & down the stairs is a ton more difficult with the left leg elephant limb...it was tough. To see an ex-boyfriend's postcard, bits & pieces from my teaching, overseas souvenirs, marriage things, you get the drift.

Of course I made piles of to save/donate/throw out, & feeling like an emotional rake was gouging through me I took a few pieces (that I'll through away) but not before I, as always, document some of the things, & explain their relevance. In keeping with my quest to document by photography this savage disease, I made this 'keep calm' alteration.

 

The disguise

I painted a picture recently that turned out horribly. Really just awful...it was a flower, possibly a Poppy that grew outside an apartment I lived in during my time in the Czech Republic. This morning I put the painting through the fantastic Percolator photo app, & it turned out really cool. It so reminded me of a chronic illness-fibromyalgia, interstitial cystitis, rheumatoid arthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome, etc. It is such an ugly disease, but when mixed with a person it looks normal. They don't look sick. Anyone with an illness like this-even emotional illnesses as well know this too well-the 'you don't look sick' thing. Anyway, this painting just brought that disguised normality home today.

 

Worth at least a few words

After yesterday's adventures in dentistry, these pics show better than I can explain how I feel on the outside, inside, my physical self, emotional self, mind, soul, heart, & brain.

 

 

Bruised art

While my internet was dead & I was going crazy...so isolating...I made some art out of my bruises. ;)

 

 

 

 

Pros & cons

Sometimes I have a day so bad the only way I can deal with it & go on is to admit & get out the crappy parts, then find some good, even if it's something tiny, to focus on...& forget the pricks of the world. 

Let's get the cons out of the way:

My TMJ jaw has tighten up, making it hard to eat, drink, talk, & the worst-causing a migraine type headache. I've been up with pain for over 24 hours. Even sleeping for short spurts was interrupted with pain & blinding lights/pain.

I did a favor for a person, & even when using what I gave made backhanded compliments...or really insults. Just rude, rude, rude. Not worth my time or worry. I'm such a sensitive person & take too much crap.

Seeing pics of me & family over the holidays today was bittersweet. The steroids in my monthly spinal shots leaves me so puffy & marshmallow looking. Hate. That. Necessary. Part. 

& the pros...

A great writing app, Knowtilus Pro on sale from &9.99 to 99 cents!

Finally getting one good comment on a notoriously tough photo group. 

Getting one pic of me & my nephew that I don't hate of myself ;)

new year, new books, new headphones

I spent most of New Year's Eve watching a Big Bang Theory marathon, reading my new books that were free on Kindle or the 3 books I won from Mira Ink. As my headphones-the earbuds that are noise isolating...necessary for survival in my waiting room hours-broke last week, I used some Christmas money and got some new ones for under ten bucks. I wasn't expecting them to get here until after the new year, but a happy surprise hit when they arrived yesterday. They are fantastic-they really drown out the outside noise and amplify the music, movies, tv, etc. really well. 

I slept through the midnight mark-and woke up around 3:30 AM. I got up, read some, watched Netflix, and tried to forget that my last kiss was over 6 years ago. And it wasn't a good one. Ugh. All in all though with my last glass of champagne and new headphones and new books, it was pretty tops considering. Happy new year to all of you-wishing you laughter, peace, great snapshot moments, surprising little joys, and fun this new year. xxxooo

ouch. the emotional kind

after a gift-a really special one-to a family member wasn't received or even wanted after I showed them-I showed them the photograph I had chosen (a few actually) to see what sizes, etc., I was told she didn't want them. After a week of this person letting it be known my presence here isn't really wanted-how my dad needed to choose between me and her-it just hurts. Being somewhere and knowing one party doesn't want you there is quite gut-wrenching.