A bit like House, MD

Anyone with chronic pain comes to realize in time that the never ending stabs of constant hurting can & does come out as anger. I loved House, the TV show-though I'm not the crazy puzzle loving jerk I have my moments. Every single time I see my cane I get sad yet angry simultaneously & want to paint racing stripes on it-my sarcasm runs deep. We never mean to lash out, yet we do. Most of us immediately regret it & hate ourselves for letting our pain spill out onto someone else's life. Recently I publicly said some things I regret-as they were spoken out of sadness for the past & friends I used to be able to count on...& took it out on someone who wasn't in that category. My lost past is probably the biggest source of emotional pain I've got. Anyway, I talked to the innocent person & apologized, but I hate that I let my pain hurt him. While I find venting in the right forum helpful, I must remember to spare the innocent ones.

My great uncle's cane matches my Indonesian triangle piece so well...maybe racing stripes aren't the right way to go ;)

 

Caned sadness

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2 days & Zoe

It's 2 days until we drive away from this house. It never felt like home except for my parents being here, but nowhere else did either. The Czech Republic felt more like home than here-I at least met people & made fantastic friends, went out, etc.

 

Zoe cat died Feb. 1st, 2011 & I still haven't been in the backyard to see her. With the emotional state I'm in, how on earth-this solar system will I say goodbye?

 

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Dream stress pic

Just a pic of an image of a dream I had. Not a ghost but a look at a mistake maybe? Titled The Brown Veiled Wisp

 

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Unseen forces

Facing & fighting the unseen forces. Moving, spinal shots Thursday, mixed faxes & doctor/clinics fiascos, etc

 

Tangled up layers of a person

It is hard to know when I see myself which parts have been there all along, which are just coming out, & which are just the way my persona & body & soul are coping. I wrote this earlier tonight, as the house was getting ready to be shown to sell. Me behind the filth, the perceived anger, the not included in decision making then when I get 'angry' what you see. Me behind the 'how can you live like this?' me behind the purposeful lives of my siblings & their families. Me behind the failure. The pain. The searching. The lost. The forgone conclusion.

 

Sick opposites attract

So many professional sick people I talk to feel they need to be one thing & yet of course often feel another. We feel strong for just fighting & making it through another day, but so weak for not being able to somehow just smile & overcome. We try to love ourselves but hate our bodies & our diseases/illnesses so much. Many others tell us we seem well & we don't look sick. I love to be happy & laugh, but find myself crying over the laughs & relieving the pain. I want to be positive & be grateful for the good things. I really do, but some nights it is all I can do to get through until morning.

 

For a fool

After basically floating through ages 8-26 due to death of my brother, anorexia, endometriosis, etc just to mention a few things, I finally woke up for lack of a better phrase at age 27. I was like an 8 year old emotionally in a 27 year old body. That served me well in that everything-each sensation seemed so amazing. I was such a child but honestly so. On the downside I was & still can be so trusting. Things like dating, etc takes on an entirely new meaning when you should know better but you honestly don't because you missed the part where getting equipped was taught. Now that doesn't matter as dating isn't even a blip on some far off telescope. My last date, kiss, etc was like 8 years ago, & I don't see that changing. That's ok, as just getting through a day is enough mental head games on its own. However, when the knowledge base of what friends are comes into play, as a emotionally stunted teenager in a 41 year old form, I expect different things. I'm more cynical now that I'm 13, but still really get my feelings hurt like a 7 year old would. My mental formation grew up much too fast & yet was stunted so much. Add to the mix the chronic pain nightmare & you really do learn who your friends are. As soon as I got diagnosed with fibro, my grad school really good friend, girl G, well, she thought I was trying to get out of work. Needless to say that broke my heart & I hear she's married & maybe has a kid. Crazy as I was with her the night she met her husband. As my mom says 'consider the source' & I do but wow it is very gut inducing painwise. People like me (sickies) go through things like this, but I think most of us have that one person who really break our hearts. Like a detective who has that one case that still keeps them up at night, & even though they know they will never get their answers, they hold out hope. Listening last night to the just delightful band The Shins, I heard off their new album a song For A Fool. For me it took me to the heart of that friend who you know is gone-but still you hope yet know you were a fool, albeit innocently, for believing their words. Their rescue plan. Their liquid courage laced lies. I'm been wracking my emotions for 6 years about this friend, & hearing that song I want to say that no longer will I listen or hold out any hope that they will someday get real & deliver the friendship expected or deserved. I really hope this time it sticks.

 

Get out.

Physically & emotionally the past day or two have been awful. Scale of 1-10, a 17. When I went upstairs yesterday to check on Chai bunny & try to examine her & see if she is still sick (long story, but she's possibly sick & I'm still freaking) I took this shot of her. She was mad, sick of me trying to examine her, & mad that I've been spending all my time downstairs while the parents are gone, & I'm taking care of Macy cat,who is also sick. We should just open a damn clinic here. This picture is so cute & funny, & after I took it Chai took off to the corner & thumped loudly to show her frustration. I don't blame her. Sitting here crying I see myself looking into the tunnel watching fibromyalgia among other things take over my life, no matter how hard I fight to keep going. God I just want to give up yet also just beat the shit out of it-& I can't really do either. It's so frustrating. The toll constant intense pain has on a person can honestly drive them to madness, in a heartbeat. How long does that heart manage to keep beating?

 

Panicked

Living with your parents at age 40 is hard on all involved. Certain days, certain pain, certain uncertainty can cause me to grieve so much I forget how many things I'm grieving for...here are a few.



Just floating through the motions of a pain-filled day.



Feeling my old life is getting so compressed with layers of life the real me is disappearing.



Trying to deal with anger in an adult manner, even when I feel others around me aren't.



Taking the pain minute by second, & trying to just hang on


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Location:Upstairs/my bedroom