Swollen, dirty tears

After my neuro appointment, eyes so swollen & tears so spent

 

 

Tangled up layers of a person

It is hard to know when I see myself which parts have been there all along, which are just coming out, & which are just the way my persona & body & soul are coping. I wrote this earlier tonight, as the house was getting ready to be shown to sell. Me behind the filth, the perceived anger, the not included in decision making then when I get 'angry' what you see. Me behind the 'how can you live like this?' me behind the purposeful lives of my siblings & their families. Me behind the failure. The pain. The searching. The lost. The forgone conclusion.

 

Let it out

Today was an incredibly rough. Not just the usual pain & angst, but in trying to get my doctor here to send records to some unknown pain clinic 3 states away & failing, I realized there are a ton of pain doctors/clinics/but some do the meds but not the spinal shots, some do the shots but no meds...you get the point. I became incredibly frustrated. I can only see Internet info which is often very one sided. I realize as my friend described it I'm back on that house of cards. Before I even really started building the cards ripped, & my panicked mind along with it. I had to just give in to the panic attack, lay my head down & get in a fetal position modified to my screwed up body, & just let it out. For now.

 

 

Grieving the soon to be lost

Think about someone or something you use & love & depend on. For some a trusted hairdresser. I know people who have had longer relationships with the people who cut their hair than marriages. For some a beloved store-records, organic food, bookstore, etc. Maybe a great boss-a co-worker who goes above & beyond-an assistant. Your favorite waitress or coffee shop server-they give you a little extra topping or French fries. A company you work closely with maybe-you feel your business couldn't last without them. Now imagine losing them. They move, retire, get a new job...for whatever reason they're gone-or you are. For me, preparing to lose my doctors here feels like a death. Yes I know I might get better doctors, help, etc. I don't care. For 5 years my health & life have been in the hands of people who really cared on a deeper level than just a dr. They went the extra mile-trusted my opinions-listened to my ideas & loved that I really knew & listened to my own body & respected that. As I'm to call a pain center in Little Rock & try to see if they will take my bizarre puzzled case on tomorrow, I grieve. I can't imagine starting over. Again. From scratch. The 5 year 5 inch medical file relationship is almost over. It's like saying 'there's other fish in the sea'...yes maybe, but wow, that magically doesn't stop the pain. For me this is like a marriage ending. A part of me dying. Getting back on the dreaded merry-go-round doctor hunt. Is it worth it? Right now, deep in my heart all I feel is a resounding no.

 

Living underwater

The medications I take make my legs feel like jelly. The sense of impending doom makes me feel like I'm submerged under water, but yet I can't drown. There's no assuring oxygen deprived thoughts of 'it will all be over soon' yet the panic & fear grow stronger. That has been me, since the day I found out we were leaving, & now, the day I tell my beloved doctor, the panic rises into my throat. I can't breathe or think but no hand reaches into the water to pull me up.

 

Day 2-makeup-#HAWMC/WEGO-quotations

We're given the task to find a positive or negatively feeling quote, & without missing a beat I think of one by the savagely honest Sylvia Plath I read a few weeks ago. 'I am living now in a kind of present hell, and god knows what ceremonies of life or love can patch the havoc wrought.'

As we are moving soon, & I'm leaving my drs who love me & really care about me-all I can do is worry, have panic attacks, & I keep forgetting to breathe. People well meaning keep saying I'll be fine-it will be fun-they'll come see me-which is great, but yet they don't understand the fear of them making plans, calling in sick to work, finding babysitters, etc just to get a call from me saying 'it's one of those really bad days' & canceling their trip. The guilt of always disappointing people-like during this past Thanksgiving dinner having to go upstairs, not being able to say goodbye to my two nephews (1 who I had just met as he was 6 months old) & beloved brother & darling sister-in-law. I know this may be the land of milk & honey-a great doctor looking for a person so puzzling he/she will be thrilled to take on my case. Of course being closer to loved ones will be great. I see all sides-I really do, but right now, this day, this week, as shingles continue to grow larger on my leg, the other leg swells so much all the blood vessels break sideways, & panic attacks are commonplace, the above quote resonates like an old friend's laugh.