Day 2-Quote-Frida Kahlo

'I am not sick. I am broken. But I am happy to be alive as long as I can paint.' This quote by Frida Kahlo may not seem like the traditional inspirational quote, but for me the raw honesty mixed with hope is the best. When I hear the word sick it conveys the possibility of getting well, which not to be negative, but I see getting well as a 1% chance of happening. I am broken. I do a ton of things daily in the hope of it helping my symptoms or overall health & will continue to do so, but I know deep down that there will be a cure for cancer long before fibromyalgia. I love creating through paints, writing, drawing, etc. With my iPad I've gotten back into painting, & just the freedom of turning a watercolor blob into a flower thrills me. Taking pictures (even the saddest, bleakest ones) of myself living this life is as good as months of therapy. Kahlo's deeply personal paintings of her pain inspire me to no end. I'm so very broken, but having ways to be creative continue to help me cope, & are as close to healing as I'm going to get, & for that I'm profoundly grateful.

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Hope through Coping

Today starts the Invisible Illness week! The theme is Visible Hope-finding hope in the midst of pain. For me I've found that having coping mechanisms is crucial in getting through a pain-filled night, or during the wonderful but stressful holidays, or the days anxiety & depression seem impossible to escape. One major thing that brought me out of the dark, lonely space that is housebound living caused by fibromyalgia & friends is photography. After a life of living, working, & traveling overseas & documenting everything in pictures...going from being out in the big wide world to inside a house 24/7 was so difficult-but a year after becoming housebound I started taking pictures with a cheap, non-smartphone. It was so liberating to see the face of pain staring back at me...to see this invisible pain visible. Now I take pics of everything in my small world & I'm always stunned to find how many things I find just in the small 4 walls around me. An example? Chai bunny in bed with me after she patrolled the bed, making sure I was ok.

Having been an art student I hadn't been able to paint, draw, or much of anything artistic until I found the many art apps. I can now draw, paint, sculpt, etc. on my iPad. There are great apps covering every medium-watercolors, oils, etc. in every price range-I got most of mine on sale for 99 cents or less. After getting an iPad a few years ago from family opened up the world to me. I've discovered my love of art again through the mentioned apps as well as art history-I can tour museums & see artwork from my favorite artist who had severe chronic pain most of her life-Frida Kahlo. Her paintings showing her pain in vivid detail are so inspiring to me. This painting is a little drawing I did earlier...with fibro awareness color purples of course!

I miss star gazing & seeing my moon most nights-I can't always make it to the door to look up into space, so I use the amazing Star Walk app. I can hold the tablet over my head & see what is all around me in the real time feature-& watching meteor showers without being outside is almost as good. Finding ways to see/do things I love is crucial to my survival-if not I think I would wither up & disappear. Some nights I'm not able to pick up the iPad above my head yet I can still explore the sky using these apps.

Many people are playing games on Facebook-I haven't gotten into that but I do play words with friends, or my favorite zen-like game called Kometen-comet in Swedish I believe. This little comet is in my care, & I orbit him around planets to eat space junk, teach him how to make loops, & send him zooming around through the stars. That game can calm me down & have me & my comet playing forever-I get lost in the game & it really focuses my mind off the pain & panic attacks.

I have rediscovered reading-it became harder & harder to hold books open...that seems so ridiculous but I've heard many others having the same problem. I got the free Amazon kindle app on my laptop, & they have tons of free books you can keep, or now most libraries have ebooks you can borrow, & you can check them out without having to leave home. That opened up a lost love-I used to read 2-3 books a week at times, & then went 4 years without reading anything. If you have a cheap computer you can get all that for free-I know most invisible illness patients have money issues as medications, doctor visits, procedures, etc. cost so much & so many things aren't covered by insurance. Even me on disability-you can't imagine how many things still aren't covered. Finding things like this are fantastic!

Of course Netflix tv & movies are a mainstay-when the morphine isn't touching the pain getting lost in a film doesn't take pain away but can get me so immersed in the story that I somewhat forget the pain for a short while. Also listening to Internet radio & free podcasts of a million different topics-including my love of space-are so easily found now. Technology has opened up the world for us all-& for invisible illnesses it gives us friends through Facebook, twitter, etc. who understand & identify, & is a valuable resource for so many things.

Finding things you love & ways to incorporate them into your life is crucial to have a more meaningful life-having outlets to help you grieve, laugh, forget, learn, & get lost in was something that honestly saved my life & my sanity. Finding hope in a dark place is possible-not easy, but possible.

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Dream stress pic

Just a pic of an image of a dream I had. Not a ghost but a look at a mistake maybe? Titled The Brown Veiled Wisp

 

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Art under a microscope

After taking some pictures that didn't come out as expected, I saw something in them I wanted to explore. After putting them through a litany of treatments, these two showed something about my anxiety I couldn't/can't yet explain.

girl with everything she owns on her back lost on the dark side of the moon.

 

A bat with a face (look close!) captured in the orbit of a planet. If he escapes he burns up in the surface or flies into space, weightless & lost. Kind of reflects my stress dreams, minus the cool space travel.

Day 16 #HAWMC WEGO pinterest board

I had created a health board a few weeks ago, & though I still don't totally cruise through Pinterest with ease, I try & navigate as best I can. Today we were to post 3 things...my first was a painting of what I think my misfiring pain synapses look like.

 

The second is my little nurse bunny, Chai ;)

 

& third-a painting of my eye in the dark-feeling lost & not knowing how to move