A bit like House, MD

Anyone with chronic pain comes to realize in time that the never ending stabs of constant hurting can & does come out as anger. I loved House, the TV show-though I'm not the crazy puzzle loving jerk I have my moments. Every single time I see my cane I get sad yet angry simultaneously & want to paint racing stripes on it-my sarcasm runs deep. We never mean to lash out, yet we do. Most of us immediately regret it & hate ourselves for letting our pain spill out onto someone else's life. Recently I publicly said some things I regret-as they were spoken out of sadness for the past & friends I used to be able to count on...& took it out on someone who wasn't in that category. My lost past is probably the biggest source of emotional pain I've got. Anyway, I talked to the innocent person & apologized, but I hate that I let my pain hurt him. While I find venting in the right forum helpful, I must remember to spare the innocent ones.

My great uncle's cane matches my Indonesian triangle piece so well...maybe racing stripes aren't the right way to go ;)

 

Caned sadness

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Gutting realizations

For those of us cursed & sick, we realize the distance of family & friends very quickly. Today I find someone who I helped in past years (before kids & marriage came into play-again) to the safety & detriment of my myself-including hundreds of dollars-that some people have the unique gift of 'growing up', having family, & getting the leisure of forgetting those along the way-kids, marriage, etc that people like me don't have. It's a smashing of heart realization that many, even family, leave you behind to protect their new family. I get it, but I don't. I didn't chose this-I'd give anything to be behind that white picket fence, but that's not in the cards for someone like me. So I suffer-through this move, weeks without drs or help, & face the pain alone, while others home life sleeps in peace & without chance. They slumber & dream while I lie awake, screaming to no one in particular in agonizing pain. What a difference 6 years makes.

 

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