A poem a day keeps the therapist away

 Not that I have anything against therapists, I just don't (but I'm sure I need) have one

 

 

Bed bunny

 After a rough pain night & restless sleep, an adorable house rabbit visit is always something wonderful to wake up to...

 And then come back concerned as I was laughing so hard I was choking! Aww, Chai bunny the body guard/nurse.

 

Bruised art

While my internet was dead & I was going crazy...so isolating...I made some art out of my bruises. ;)

 

 

 

 

Pretty fluff

  In many flower arrangements, the filler is often some generic, fluffy stuff. It tends to be ignored & dismissed & is often bland to make the beauty of the flowers stand out...like a bride next to ugly bridesmaid dresses. I woke up today with Chai bunny thumping me awake & saving me from my nightmare, got up & wondered if it was my moaning in pain that alarmed her instead. I try & take these awful painful extra morphine days as the fluff, so that the less painful days really stand out.

 

Pic circles

 I first turned the camera on me & my struggles as a coping mechanism about 4 years ago. This pic was the very first I took, & when I saw it, was stunned to see what I had been feeling on the inside on the outside, so that others could see. Yesterday I opened an email, & saw that pic staring at my from this fantastic fibromyalgia & chronic pain group. After the past week, falling, etc, it was so great to see something come a bit full circle. 

 http://visitor.benchmarkemail.com/c/v?e=12CF96&c=2508E&l=1C6583F&email=0pQroMpw105javDeHn2WJRZvSxx3FN1CNyIeD9VsXLU%3D&relid=C6EC165

 

A pic speaks my 1,000 words

 

Fading & dividing

 I got this new app called Percolator, & it's awesome. It gives new movement & design to all my normally raw pics. Experimenting with it is so fun, & also telling. It fractions & divides & fades my pics just like my illnesses are doing. It shows how I am breaking apart into wee little pieces, as the old me slowly fades away...but it's a great app! 

 

Sweaty laugh

 I haven't laughed in a week. Not at all. I think we all are aware of my impending moving dr doom & my 2nd tree fall this week, thus my haggard rodeo clown face. I can't really brush my teeth as my mouth is still so swollen, & drinking or eating is a nightmare as opening my mouth cracks open the road rash above my lips. Lovely thought, ain't it? And showering? Well, let's just not even go there...eewww. So I'm on twitter to basically win prizes & follow funny people. I put little-nothing out there of any real significance. At all. I was catching up on reading twitter as my focusing on say, a book, is a useless waste of time. That fall really just hit directly on my brain. I was reading the delightful Rob Delany's tweets & went on his website, expecting it to be a normal 'I'm famous & here is where you can find me' mess. A picture of a small girl running, no, fleeing, up in the air-like serious hang time, in spandex shorts & flip flops & a tank with a look of shear terror on her face as a goose-also in midair with one footed web foot out & forward like a cartoon chased her. His face had an enchanting murderous look & the caption read 'no is not an option for a goose'. I started laughing & a half hour later had sweated completely through my clothes, still couldn't talk from laughing & deep coughing. I finally had to blow my nose & as expected there was just buckets of blood from my smashed nose all over. Mom actually said concerned 'surely one of the 4 CTs from the ER would have shown if something was broken...?' with loving hate I composed the following tweet to @robdelany & a bit later was thrilled to see he had marked it as a favorite. Read & enjoy. ;)

 

 

 Do visit him & the goose now, you hear? Thanks. 

F is for firing flare-fall

 So a couple of nights ago I fell again, but for the 2nd time in just a few months it was what I fondly call a tree fall. I get dizzy, start to fall, & instead of my arms or hands coming up to assist me, they flake out. I just fall like a cut tree without my reflexes or time to yell timber. After going to the ER & being given the all clear, I headed to my neurologist for my monthly appt. the timing couldn't have been better. I had landed on a very thin rug that covered hard, cement tile & hit on my nose, then barely skidded on my face, landing on the right side. I landed the exact same the 1st time (if nothing else my scoliosis is telling) except I landed on Chai bunny's hay pile. Same whiplash, but minus the road rash on my face. The nurses at my neuro office took one look at me & after dad told them I had been nauseous even with meds from the ER took me back after only one song on my iPod to give me the usual pain shot I normally get after. It contains a medicine that fights nausea, so of course that helped. I got straight in almost to the x-ray table, & my lovely dr was shocked at the looks of me. He explained that sometimes when I go into a flare, I fall like that-& that it is like lighting a match to a more ordinary flare & it just exploding. After the 1st time I tree fell we I'd the whole series of MRIs to again rule out MS. He gave me a shot right in the neck (ouch) & one in my lower spine. My face still looks clownishly awful & my teeth & bridge seem off, but everything is so swollen it's hardly surprising. Needless to say I'll put the dentist off for as long as possible. 

 

With us moving I'm more fearful than ever about finding a dr who will not only treat the pain, but have the knowledge & my trust to let them inject my spine with needles. (as well as talking about me living alone again...cos I was on the floor, blood everywhere & bled for a good 3-5 hours solid & on & off through the day...)

 

 

 

Epic kindle giveaway!

 A cool virtual shirt...& I got loads of free books, & now that I'm so extra sick, those books will help get me through the rough nights!

 

 

Hearts follow

 I started seeing hearts (& I've never been an I love hearts kind of girl) right before I started getting sick, really sick, about 6-7 years ago. I still catch glimpses, though not as much now. I would see them walking across campus at UALR in leaves, etc. today, after waking up in the middle of the night to the worse panic attack that still hasn't subsided hours later, this showed up, as I reached in the toilet paper bag for a new role, & pulled out this random roll. & no, this wasn't taken during any 'act'. ;)

 

 

 

Grief

 Right now I'm grieving, for things that are happening, & things that are to come, like losing the best 2 doctors I've ever had. & leaving my 2 pets & their graves. I haven't laughed in days, & I can't stop crying. But hey, these pics won some awards. 

 

 

 

The fallout

 

Help me OBI 8-ball, you're my only hope

 I'm exhausted. I'm damaged. I feel I'm done. Cleaned out Chai bunny's litter box last night & the simple act left me so bad I just had to drop the heavy bag in the hall, & barely made it to my bed before my back collapsed. On days like this I just don't know. & I don't even know what I don't know. Xxx

 

Bunny, shingles, & lungs

 Since I moved in here 5 years ago, I developed (probably due to an allergy) a horrible chronic, deep, body-wracking cough. Last night I felt like my upper back was hurting...& long story short, we realized my lungs were so congested & stopped up that simply put, my lungs hurt. I have an appt next Monday with an ENT, to figure out if there is more I can do to keep this cough at bay. I was treated for pneumonia in February, & it feels the same. Stupid lungs, breathing in fresh air! ;)

My shingles are back on my thigh, & they are so tiny but managing to get a pic today to confirm was a great accomplishment. Wanna see? 

 

 Sweet Chai bunny honestly, it's happened & has been witnessed, will thump when I'm asleep but my lungs/breathing are raspy. She is, we are convinced, magic. She has been on high alert as my coughing that (scares mom's cat downstairs) doesn't really scare her but keeps her hopping away as her giant ears are being split with my decibel raising coughing. She also will wake herself up thumping, will continue softly thumping as she makes sure whatever she was dreaming about is gone. That bunny keeps me smiling even in the absolute worst situations. I'd be lost without her. 

 

Giveaway extra blog

Kindle & Amazon giveaways! Here are the details...follow the yellow brick link

 

http://epickindlegiveaway.blogspot.com

My eyes realizing

Tonight I realized...I can't go on living here. I can't live without a dr in Arkansas. I can't keep my parents saddled with me. I can't hold them back. They've spent so much time house hunting, yet no time dr hunting as no one there will take my case. I can't keep going to sleep having nightmares only to wake up exhausted, depressed & worse off then when I went to bed. 

The yes when you realize there is no end. To pain, to a life, to a good living situation, to peace, to going on any longer. 

Stress dreams

I have stress dreams. Not nightmares-someone trying to kill me would be a pleasure given the crap I dream about. This is a representation of why I hate going to sleep. 

Determination & my only friend

I slept until 10:30 tonight...sad & alone. I had taken these pics of mom's cat Macy, determined to fit inside a small shoebox. At the bottom my only polar bear friend :(

Pros & cons

Sometimes I have a day so bad the only way I can deal with it & go on is to admit & get out the crappy parts, then find some good, even if it's something tiny, to focus on...& forget the pricks of the world. 

Let's get the cons out of the way:

My TMJ jaw has tighten up, making it hard to eat, drink, talk, & the worst-causing a migraine type headache. I've been up with pain for over 24 hours. Even sleeping for short spurts was interrupted with pain & blinding lights/pain.

I did a favor for a person, & even when using what I gave made backhanded compliments...or really insults. Just rude, rude, rude. Not worth my time or worry. I'm such a sensitive person & take too much crap.

Seeing pics of me & family over the holidays today was bittersweet. The steroids in my monthly spinal shots leaves me so puffy & marshmallow looking. Hate. That. Necessary. Part. 

& the pros...

A great writing app, Knowtilus Pro on sale from &9.99 to 99 cents!

Finally getting one good comment on a notoriously tough photo group. 

Getting one pic of me & my nephew that I don't hate of myself ;)

Watching the Quadrantids in bed

The awesome app Star Walk allowed me to watch the first meteor shower of 2012, while sick & in bed. The Quadrantids were fantastic & here are my pics of the shower I saw-which is nothing like it was...my camera sucks! ;)

Not pit, but pitiful

Today was one of those exhausting, sleep 13 hours but wake up feeling like my muscles ran a marathon. The pain kept me crying for at least an hour. Just the pain alone had me grieving for all i've lost these past 5 years. Yes I've gained, but on days like today, I don't care. All I know is pain, meds, & loss. 

Oh, my Vinyl Love

Many of you know my deep love of music, and vinyl. Yes-my iPod and music and noise isolating headphones save me in doctor offices-the hours I've spent there and the music that helped cocoon me into my own world couldn't have happened with me and dad dragging in a record player and sitting next to a plug to be able to listen to my music...though the mental picture gives me such glee! Anyway, I own three record players-one from the 40s/50s, one from the 70s, and one from the late 80s. I love the crackling warm fuzzy intimate sounds of the needle, the crackling promising a song will come on next, the sound like a warm fireplace. Sadly all my records and players are downstairs in the parents garage, but thanks to a new app, Vinyl Love, I can play music on my iPad that adds in the grainy warm crackle, and even plays the album in order-something I tend to miss. I'm so bad about skipping around and not listening to the album in the order the artists wanted-so with this app on sale and now on my happy little iPad, I listened to the full William Fitzsimmons album, in the order he wanted. : )

new year, new books, new headphones

I spent most of New Year's Eve watching a Big Bang Theory marathon, reading my new books that were free on Kindle or the 3 books I won from Mira Ink. As my headphones-the earbuds that are noise isolating...necessary for survival in my waiting room hours-broke last week, I used some Christmas money and got some new ones for under ten bucks. I wasn't expecting them to get here until after the new year, but a happy surprise hit when they arrived yesterday. They are fantastic-they really drown out the outside noise and amplify the music, movies, tv, etc. really well. 

I slept through the midnight mark-and woke up around 3:30 AM. I got up, read some, watched Netflix, and tried to forget that my last kiss was over 6 years ago. And it wasn't a good one. Ugh. All in all though with my last glass of champagne and new headphones and new books, it was pretty tops considering. Happy new year to all of you-wishing you laughter, peace, great snapshot moments, surprising little joys, and fun this new year. xxxooo