Thursday, May 31, 2012

Grieving the soon to be lost

Think about someone or something you use & love & depend on. For some a trusted hairdresser. I know people who have had longer relationships with the people who cut their hair than marriages. For some a beloved store-records, organic food, bookstore, etc. Maybe a great boss-a co-worker who goes above & beyond-an assistant. Your favorite waitress or coffee shop server-they give you a little extra topping or French fries. A company you work closely with maybe-you feel your business couldn't last without them. Now imagine losing them. They move, retire, get a new job...for whatever reason they're gone-or you are. For me, preparing to lose my doctors here feels like a death. Yes I know I might get better doctors, help, etc. I don't care. For 5 years my health & life have been in the hands of people who really cared on a deeper level than just a dr. They went the extra mile-trusted my opinions-listened to my ideas & loved that I really knew & listened to my own body & respected that. As I'm to call a pain center in Little Rock & try to see if they will take my bizarre puzzled case on tomorrow, I grieve. I can't imagine starting over. Again. From scratch. The 5 year 5 inch medical file relationship is almost over. It's like saying 'there's other fish in the sea'...yes maybe, but wow, that magically doesn't stop the pain. For me this is like a marriage ending. A part of me dying. Getting back on the dreaded merry-go-round doctor hunt. Is it worth it? Right now, deep in my heart all I feel is a resounding no.


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