Thursday, June 7, 2012

Time's humor

I was taking a pic recently & ended up capturing the wrong edge of the intended picture. Doesn't matter what or why, but I found the accident photo compelling. My eye in the pic is looking up, looking to see if I'm holding the cell camera right...which I wasn't, but my eye looks normal. Not so sad. Not filled with tears & dread-I was so focused I was too busy to look like my soul felt. I was playing with my hair. Let me explain-I found a subject a day chart on the net & thought I'd try it-& that day's was descent...however you wanted to cover or interpret it. My hair has changed so much since I got sick & I was thinking about the descent of my hair from well to sick, though my hair itself is really healthy. I don't style it, blow dry it, put any product in it-so it is totally boring & natural. Anyway, thinking about the last time I had it cut professionally-I can't remember.myears. A decade maybe. In a few hours I'll leap out for the first time in years to call a pain clinic. Evidently we are moving this summer, & I need to call them to see if they can take me, what I need to do to start the ball rolling-all the stuff that terrifies the one's who feel a good doctor is far more important than most anything else in life. I'm so scared-what if they aren't accepting new patients, or what if they are not a good fit? I've even had dreams of calling them with disastrous results. For me the unknown used to be so exciting. Move to a new country in 6 weeks without knowing anyone or speaking their language? Can I come now? Start grad school in my 30's with no money? Sign me up! Snorkel the great Barrier Reef even though I'm scared of fish & sharks? I only live once! I was pretty brave. Really fearless. Now making a phone call that signals me leaving my beloved doctors is much scarier than getting on a plane to commit to a country I can't pronounce most of their words. & away I go.


1 comment:

  1. Marnie, you have put into words the progression of life and how things change (health or otherwise), and how often things happen without our approval! I wish I could buffer the impact of the change that you face, but I can't. I will say this--sometimes our anticipation is worse than the actuality. That's my prayer for you. Keep writing! You do such a good job in sharing your feelings, and so many folks keep things inside. How can keeping it inside help anyone else? You are helping whether you realize it or not.