Sunday, June 3, 2012

Leaning into nothing

Sometimes what I think is a solid thing to lean onto-something that will hold me up-I see it's actually dark & missing. I'm leaning onto the abyss.

Earlier tonight mom noticed-again-that as my permanent sitting position is Indian style-it leaves red patches on my legs where my legs are smushed together. It worries her. I get that, yet I cannot sit with my legs extended without sharp pain in my lower back. Anyone with back problems-imagine when it is worse-after standing a long time or after doing certain household chores-imagine that searing pain whenever you stick your legs out. Even a tiny bit-that's what I feel in my back unless I'm sitting on a bed with my legs crossed Indian style. I would love to be able to casually fling down on a couch, my legs propped up in front of me on a table, or curl up in a comfy chair with my legs dangling over the side while reading a book...but I can't. That's one reason doctor visits are awful-sitting in the waiting room physically hurts. It sounds so ridiculous but totally true. It depresses me so much that this fact gets questioned & exists. I feel I'm in such a dark hole & surfacing is so far away.


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