dad on the other side

every single time I got to the Dr for anything, dad drives me and sits with me-sometimes for hours as we wait. he has spent hours of his life in the past 5 years in different doctor offices...and tomorrow, he is having surgery and he will be the patient. i hate that i can't be there with him, as I have had at least 14 surgeries and could keep him company. of course mom will go and he will be fine, but after all he has done for me, i hate that i can't return the favor.

(pic-one day last year that dad was with me at the neurologist.)

Cigar box purse!

i got an early christmas gift i found on Etsy...a cigar box purse! i love it and it is all recycled stuff. it's perfect because i can't stuff too much in it, therefore i won't hurt myself carrying something too heavy! 

flying around the Milky Way

as a huge space/solar system buff, i recently bought Solar Walk (app). for under $3, now on sale for $1.99, i can fly around the milky way, slowly turning and watching the galaxy, stars, and planets pass by. it is amazingly therapy, and much cheaper ; ). it is an early christmas present...worth every penny!

given guilt

two days after thanksgiving, and guilt is given and anger is reached. i hate that i have to take medicine and it makes me knocked out. i hate that being sick is so unpredictable and doesn't care that halfway through thanksgiving day, the two previous busy (for my body) days take their toll and my body says 'no more'. fibromyalgia doesn't care that the day to give out isn't the day before thanksgiving or whatever big day-it just attacks. it leaves me feeling hurt, betrayed, guilty, angry, sad, and just depressed. it doesn't help that two days after i'm reminded of this, with crying from another. wow.

the colors of thanksgiving

the colors of my thanksgiving memories, 2011-in watercolors

third day fail

thanksgiving day, 2011. after 2 and 1/2 days, halfway through the third, i crashed. for a chronic sick person, not balancing out the events of holidays can leave you spent and done on the most important main day. halfway through the day i had to go upstairs and i laid down for just a minute and crashed. i couldn't wake up, make my body work, and left my family disappointed and upset with me. now on thanksgiving night, i'm in horrible pain, feeling totally guilty, and like the sick black sheep of the family. 

Nephew time!

Today my brother, his lovely wife, and two adorable boys came to see us. Jack (who is 6) and I played iPad games all day-his favorites were 'World of Goo' which of course he was so much more better than yours truly...I'm thinking he would make a great engineer as he loves math-also he loved the great 'Star Walk for iPad' and we searched for the Star War galaxies as we are both obsessed with Star Wars. We had so much fun.

I finally got to meet my new nephew, Charlie, who smiled at me the first time he saw me and laughed as I talked to him like I do my house rabbit, Chai. Why do we talk to babies like cute animals? Wait, why do we do that to animals? I don't think Chai bunny even knows what my real voice sounds like...so here are a couple of shots of me and Charlie-and of course I'll have loads more to come! Happy day before Thanksgiving.

Charlie Cho

Many of you know that I have a new nephew, Charlie, that I haven't met yet. My parents have been to see him twice, but traveling is too painful for me. My brother and his family are now here-and tomorrow I'll get to see Charlie! His brother, Jack, calls him Cho...I cannot wait to grill him to see how he came up with that nickname. He loves Star Wars so we will have LOADS to talk about! Mom and dad have been setting up the house and today this baby pen/crib thing appeared, much to the cat's dismay. I can't wait to have a picture of Charlie to show using this! : )

those accidental reminders

Tonight, deeply engrossed in three great shows...PBS-America in Primetime, AMC-The Walking Dead, and Hell of Wheels, I was on the edge of my seat with anticipation, zombies, railroad propaganda, cowboys and indians, and  how TV really does seem to be in a great "golden age" with so many quality shows...despite the dregs of society reality shows I hate so much : ). I was knee deep in zombies when i had to reach in my bag to grab something, and couldn't find it by touch. I waited until the commercial, and turned on the lamp (you can't watch zombies with the lights on!) to be able to see what I was looking for-and this is what I saw.

Immediately, my spirit fell. Sometimes just the simple stupid things of looking down in your bag and seeing the pain medicines, muscle medicines, etc. and my neurologist/pain clinic business card just guts me, and I'm left feeling like a zombie, walking around with all my humiliating, debilitating, painful, ugly effects on my body yet I'm still walking around, and will be according to the show until someone takes off my head. ; )  I have to laugh about it or I won't survive, but I promise, I won't start chewing on anyones legs anytime soon...probably. 

Thanksgiving preparation

I have a great app that gives you around 30 words, and you make a poem, one liner, etc. and add any background, including a picture. i thought this one of me, head bent over, ponytail hanging down, semi-resting after my spinal injections.

Chai bunny, nurse

Chai bunny is always so sensitive in knowing if I'm really feeling badly, especially after I get my spinal shots every month. Normally I hang my hand over the edge of the bed to pet her as she gets as close as possible to my slipper/hhouseshoes, as they are the closest part of me on her level. I used to hang my leg and foot off to pet her, which she LOVED but after my MRI showed the pinched nerve, after i went to pet her again I felt pain exactly where the pinched nerve was injected, so sadly that practice has stopped.

Last night I couldn't pet her at all from the bed as I was just so sore and in pain. People with pets often say that when they are sick, especially ones with chronic or a long-term illness, they feel their pets react very differently to them, and I truly believe they sense something. I might be crazy, but knowing I'm crazy makes me sane, right? : )

This afternoon after a nap I felt Chai jump up on the bed, and she normally always sits on my chest or my stomach, but today she just patrolled the perimeter of the bed and sat beside my face until she saw I was awake and she rubbed her adorable nose on my cheek. SWEETEST. BUNNY. EVER.

crumble

here is my day in pictures.

arrive after driving a little bit and hurting a lot, but dad wanted to see if i could still drive. i haven't in a few years and i miss it so much-so he let me drive about 15 minutes, loved it-then started to really hurt. finally got to the neuro office 30 minutes later.

the blood pressure cup and the new nurse almost broke my arm-they normally use the manuel one and it doesn't hurt as much, but as it was her first day/week, i didn't want to cause problems. i started to crumble.

after being on the x-ray table before and after the dr. came in and gave me injections into my sciatic nerve (he said it was incredibly swollen) and my pinched nerve, he ordered a pain shot, but the nurse forgot to come get us, and it took about 30 minutes waiting for her to check with him, find a room for me, etc. i was biting the crap out of my lip to keep from crying.

got home, after a horrific drive back, went upstairs because i was in so much pain i couldn't control my temper, crying, tone of voice, irritability, and just didn't want to put mom and dad through that. they do enough for me and at times i just know i will be difficult to be around, and i just take myself out so i won't say or do something that comes from the pain talking. i try to recover.

mind the overlap

i have horrible stress dreams, and the last few nights they have involved moving out of a place but the new occupants are moving in their stuff. in one, i was helping move my mom's old business but we couldn't as there were sharks swimming around (as somehow in a BOOKSTORE) we were in knee deep water, and the new owners who owned something totally opposite of books, so we kept clashing, getting tangled up, etc as we would pass. also, i was bitten by a shark but no one believed me, and as i bleed into the water it brought them back for more.

tonight i dreamed i was moving out of my old university dorm, except i had 2 other roommates and the three newer, much younger freshmen girls had already moved in. and then other roommates, suitemates, etc kept showing up and i could never get my things out, and keep finding stuff of mine but no boxes-things like that. i wake up from these having panic attacks sometimes. i know it is stress, but it hit me tonight that maybe it is more about the overlap in my life. the almost six years i've been here. i moved here at christmas, so that might be a trigger with the holidays coming up...who knows.

today i see my neurologist for my spinal shots, and i am talking to him about a medication that i so need but i need to switch to a different kind. it very easily could be making me dream so badly, and he does deal with all things brain related. until then, sweet dreams. for you i mean. : )

the art of not sleeping

when i'm in pain and can't sleep, there are tons of things i do to pass time. tv, music, pictures, drawing/art, reading, etc. you get the drift. today i took out my iPod and listened to the newest Florence + the Machine...just stunning, brilliant music. it took me into another place mentally, i flew around in the Milky Way for a bit, then finally went to sleep. good thing too, as tonight, holy cow...issues, issues, problems, misunderstandings, issues, disagreements, holiday plans and scoldings for my "performance" of years past. can i tell you how shitty you feel when you get somewhat scolded for not being as on as someone thinks you should be when family are here? my pain could care less about if family/friends are here, if i need to be downstairs visiting, etc. i feel bad enough, but to be reminded of my failings makes it much, much, much worse. i dread the holidays already now.

things i'm amazed with right now

things that i am amazed with right now:

1. how awesome The Walking Dead was tonight

2. the fact that this exists

3. this veil nebula

4. the stocking ; )

things i'm amazed with right now

things that i am amazed with right now:

1. how awesome The Walking Dead was tonight

2. the fact that this exists

3. this veil nebula

4. the stocking ; )

me, and my set-up!

so for an early christmas gift, i got an Apple Mac knockoff bluetooth keyboard for my iPad for $15...awesome...and while i had my iPad in the other room charging, i was screwing around with the keyboard and managed to turn on the iPad, start music playing, typed a note, and scare the crap out of myself when the music started. tehehe. so with my awesome lapdesk and now my keyboard, i can have a sweet not killing my fingers time. : )

Time machines

After watching a rather painful episode of Fringe, I asked my self a question. Rather, I allowed myself to pose a question. A husband & wife team had come upon math that in theory could open a time continuum, time machine of sorts. She then developed a disease...a painful, awful, horrid disease. He went on to finish her work, & to the detriment of others could have his old, non-sick wife back for short periods of time.

I know that fibro has been with all my life. It would have come up whether I had my accident, where the heavy boxes/reams of typing paper fell on me & woke up the sleeping giant of fibromyalgia. The question posed was this: if I could do anything in the year before I broke my ankle (& after I had the box incident...the ankle break, bone graft surgery, & 3 year ordeal would have brought fibro out-of this I'm sure)-but what would I have done in that short period of time to prepare, knowing my world was about to end? Make plans? Profess love? Gone out every night as I knew my going out days were almost over? Found a boyfriend/husband, adopted kids, & gotten my house in order? I have no answers for any of those. I don't know if I would have done much differently. But here, in the early, cold, gut wrenching pain levels of this night, I wonder.

Thank god I'm back!

After having to update & change blog apps, I am here. Ugh...but yay.

I was shocked to see I had gained some new readers, & felt awful as I hadn't checked that blog email to see their comments, so my new friends, thanks so much!

I've been really down lately, & shingles on my opposite side of the norm showed up again today, same exact place. Just another bump in the road...but damn how I hate those bumps. There is a game called Bumpy Road & every time I see it I just have to laugh. I really need to download it sometime & see if I could beat it! Right, I'll shut up & get to the pics ;)

Just faces

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