This is the state of my Chaosed Mind. The scary, the part that misfires & causes me to seize up & fall, the part that causes me to lose so much strength in my hands (why I have been tested for MS twice in 4 years), the memories, the fears, the stress dreams, the fog, the over active pain center, the hopes, the wants, the needs, the creative, the stings, the grasps, the missed, the smiles, the music, the poetry
I talked to a dear friend for over an hour tonight. I laughed so much that I cried after the call. Cried as I realized how long it had been-how much we had changed but picked up as hardly any time had gone by-discussed my future. What might be, or could be, or shouldn't be. Laughed at our past memories & stories we had lived & written. Afterwards my mind went wild, & I had to create something to quiet the possibilities in my head.
Many of us live with fears. I grew up with fear twisting around my every muscle, thought, & mind as my brother going through cancer treatments, & later dying left me thinking fear was normal. I used to throw up nightly as my fears took over & my stomach felt it had to release this fear. I got better as I got older, but after getting sick, the thought of getting fired (they ended up letting me resign) or losing friends (count is at 3 significant friends) & losing myself in these illnesses caught right back up with me. I have horrific stress dreams, where I'm usually trying to find something that I never can find/finding my pets starving to death/being back at unusually cruel workplaces/& my family abandoning me. I wake up with this on my mind 29 out of 31 days on average a month. My fears now are moving, leaving my doctors, having to tell my doctors, not finding a good replacement (though I promised that there are no takers & we are supposed to move in 3-4 months), etc.
I'm home alone for a few days, & after getting a call that left me in tears, I went to get my beloved bunny. I have been staying downstairs as Macy, the parents' cat, gets very upset & cries nonstop when they're gone. So Chai bunny making her excited going downstairs breathing noises was so cute-so nervous as she hasn't been back on my parents bed in forever. She was so shy at first, all huddled into me, cooing & softly making the sweetest, most tender crying-like noises as we cuddled. She got brave of course & hopped around the bed...in my room she's up & down on the bed constantly, but she was in newish territory. I got a few hilarious pics, one which got retweeted as cutest pic of the day on twitter (us watching Alcatraz together) & an under the chin shot where she looks like a shark-dolphin. She cheered me up, & I can't wait to bring her down later today. As anyone with a chronic illness knows, having the all consuming love of a pet is indeed the best medicine.
Feeling so many emotions at once, I can't even express properly, so I'll let the pic speak for itself.
We all wear masks at times. Mine lately seem to be mask of the unknown future. Mask of a move. Mask of the old me. Mask of saying nothing & keeping the peace. Mask of hiding how scared I am of leaving my doctors. Mask of feeling forgotten.
Thanks to my kindle & the ability to read again because of ridiculous 'handicaps' I've finished my 2nd book in many years. It was a far cry from my 1st, Agatha Christie, but every bit as wonderful. Being able to get lost in books again has been so fun. People lose & gain all sorts of things with any longterm illness, & among things like living with my parents, not being allowed to drive, not able to cook much, buy my own groceries, get a normal haircut, wear makeup, & a million other things-small & huge-they add up to a level of grief that's humbling & humiliating.
I finished the first book of The Hunger Games & loved it-yes I'm 41 but her struggles to survive resonated with me in a way that's hard to explain. I watch & now read a lot of gritty things, & a lot of that is because I try & take mental lessons on survival from each story. For some it might be depressing-for me it's training. This pic is a photograph put through 2 apps & I call it the Teardrop Nebula. I think Katniss from the Hunger Games would love it & hate it-hating the emotion of tears & being weak, loving the clouds & stars out hunting in District 12.
I'm now reading (& halfway through) The Snowman & a tiny bit through book one of Game of Thrones. One a cracked detective in Norway, & the other a magical mystical world of epic fantasy. They too will be on my survival training guides ;)
