Grieving the soon to be lost

Think about someone or something you use & love & depend on. For some a trusted hairdresser. I know people who have had longer relationships with the people who cut their hair than marriages. For some a beloved store-records, organic food, bookstore, etc. Maybe a great boss-a co-worker who goes above & beyond-an assistant. Your favorite waitress or coffee shop server-they give you a little extra topping or French fries. A company you work closely with maybe-you feel your business couldn't last without them. Now imagine losing them. They move, retire, get a new job...for whatever reason they're gone-or you are. For me, preparing to lose my doctors here feels like a death. Yes I know I might get better doctors, help, etc. I don't care. For 5 years my health & life have been in the hands of people who really cared on a deeper level than just a dr. They went the extra mile-trusted my opinions-listened to my ideas & loved that I really knew & listened to my own body & respected that. As I'm to call a pain center in Little Rock & try to see if they will take my bizarre puzzled case on tomorrow, I grieve. I can't imagine starting over. Again. From scratch. The 5 year 5 inch medical file relationship is almost over. It's like saying 'there's other fish in the sea'...yes maybe, but wow, that magically doesn't stop the pain. For me this is like a marriage ending. A part of me dying. Getting back on the dreaded merry-go-round doctor hunt. Is it worth it? Right now, deep in my heart all I feel is a resounding no.

 

Feeling fully

Feeling so many emotions at once, I can't even express properly, so I'll let the pic speak for itself.

 

Groundhog day, the movie

 I have a friend who never really watched tv or movies, but LOVED the flick Groundhog Day. With Bill Murray in it you can hardly go wrong (God I love that man). Funny thing about my life...I live that movie-where everything is the same day after day after day after day after day-did I mention day after day? The only things that change are the number of my falls, which beloved pet dies, & the once a month awesome yet painful neuro doctor visit-awesome cos he is the only person physically close (as in I see him regularly) to me that really, truly, thoroughly gets fibromyalgia, the depression, the extreme sensitivity to lights, flares, & knows why & exactly where it hurts every single time. 

 

 

Now, evidently in a few months my day will change. I will move. I will grieve, yet again, about losing someone I love. But that's par for my course, as losing friends who can't understand why sitting & talking to them keeps me in bed for a few day, or why working 4 hours a week (which my friend said '4 hours a week is nothing!') truly is something impossible in my world, or friends who devastate me more by saying 'you can do it! You'll be fine' having no idea the cost. 

So happy groundhog day to my friend I miss so much I get physically sick to my stomach, who I will always link him & groundhog day, & to those of you whose days vary, I envy you in a sweet way. For you will never know what reliving the same day over again for 5 years does to a persons soul. 

 

My eyes realizing

Tonight I realized...I can't go on living here. I can't live without a dr in Arkansas. I can't keep my parents saddled with me. I can't hold them back. They've spent so much time house hunting, yet no time dr hunting as no one there will take my case. I can't keep going to sleep having nightmares only to wake up exhausted, depressed & worse off then when I went to bed. 

The yes when you realize there is no end. To pain, to a life, to a good living situation, to peace, to going on any longer.