For a fool

After basically floating through ages 8-26 due to death of my brother, anorexia, endometriosis, etc just to mention a few things, I finally woke up for lack of a better phrase at age 27. I was like an 8 year old emotionally in a 27 year old body. That served me well in that everything-each sensation seemed so amazing. I was such a child but honestly so. On the downside I was & still can be so trusting. Things like dating, etc takes on an entirely new meaning when you should know better but you honestly don't because you missed the part where getting equipped was taught. Now that doesn't matter as dating isn't even a blip on some far off telescope. My last date, kiss, etc was like 8 years ago, & I don't see that changing. That's ok, as just getting through a day is enough mental head games on its own. However, when the knowledge base of what friends are comes into play, as a emotionally stunted teenager in a 41 year old form, I expect different things. I'm more cynical now that I'm 13, but still really get my feelings hurt like a 7 year old would. My mental formation grew up much too fast & yet was stunted so much. Add to the mix the chronic pain nightmare & you really do learn who your friends are. As soon as I got diagnosed with fibro, my grad school really good friend, girl G, well, she thought I was trying to get out of work. Needless to say that broke my heart & I hear she's married & maybe has a kid. Crazy as I was with her the night she met her husband. As my mom says 'consider the source' & I do but wow it is very gut inducing painwise. People like me (sickies) go through things like this, but I think most of us have that one person who really break our hearts. Like a detective who has that one case that still keeps them up at night, & even though they know they will never get their answers, they hold out hope. Listening last night to the just delightful band The Shins, I heard off their new album a song For A Fool. For me it took me to the heart of that friend who you know is gone-but still you hope yet know you were a fool, albeit innocently, for believing their words. Their rescue plan. Their liquid courage laced lies. I'm been wracking my emotions for 6 years about this friend, & hearing that song I want to say that no longer will I listen or hold out any hope that they will someday get real & deliver the friendship expected or deserved. I really hope this time it sticks.

 

The Ring

I talked to a dear friend for over an hour tonight. I laughed so much that I cried after the call. Cried as I realized how long it had been-how much we had changed but picked up as hardly any time had gone by-discussed my future. What might be, or could be, or shouldn't be. Laughed at our past memories & stories we had lived & written. Afterwards my mind went wild, & I had to create something to quiet the possibilities in my head.