Lately a few things have happened-been said-etc in which the subject was played up or down to disguise the honest truth. Not lies, just made-up or tweaked in order to appear a bit better. If you strip down me to my absolute basics, am I too much to take on? Have the medicines that make me gain weight change minds? Do the humiliating truths of the basic life & personal care & lack of force someone's decision one way or another? Is the real me, not cropped & photoshopped so different that offers & futures come down to that? The real me? I don't know if I want to know the answer. Just like this simple picture of my AM/PM medicine strips is made to look prettier, cooler looking...not as boring & honest as the actual 'weekly filling of the pill strips' that I hate doing just too much for someone to admit into their lives? I honestly don't know.
As many of my fellow sickities or those who know me know I often talk about the old me & this new me. More precisely, as it's been 5+ years, I think I should call it the now me. Today was a pretty decent day-no horrific stress dreams, pain more bearable for the first time in days, watching Justified & Southland & being amazed by such talent & incredible writing-dad finding my favorite veggie Lean Cuisine tofu strips & veggies in a tomato curry sauce, etc. Still though, I woke with a sense of doom. Seeing pics of friends & family on spring break trips thrilled me but made me long for the days of teaching ESL. One spring break I had 2 out of my 13 adult students in Little Rock who didn't have plans, so I took those 2 guys with me everywhere...out for drinks, the movies, anything-as seeing them so happy for their classmates going off on adventures yet sad to be left behind & alone crushed my heart for them. We had a blast, just doing normal things but getting to know them better-Ronaldo from Brazil, & BK from South Korea. BK opened up so much, & Ronaldo & I loved it as he & I were already good friends but seeing BK coming out of his shell was so liberating.
Today out in the garage, grabbing a club soda (or magic water as I lovingly refer to it) I saw some of my overseas things & student's gifts in a box, & it was the epitome of bittersweet. I don't know if I will ever fit the slices of my lives together well, but at least I can say on most days I try.
After my 4 filling go around a couple of days ago, my back jaw tooth is starting to lessen pain wise, but the jaw & neck strain of one with TMJ has hit hard tonight. I've been laying on my angry back so I can have my head propped up with that strangely uncalming blue heating pad behind my neck, offcentered to the left with my face trying it's best to keep my unhelpful left jaw somewhere near the heat. The featured pic is reversed, as I have no good light source at present on that side, but hopefully you get the point.
My heart ached as I just finished a funny, grieving, poignant mystery wrapped in an unlikely love story from a British TV series on Netflix. Thinking of moving on-& the evidently us moving to Arkansas hits my heart with a panicked bolt of terror. Yes there are pain clinics...but have doctors moved there since I left who can do the spinal shots? My first Little Rock doctor did shots but at the source of the pain-not the root where the pain originated. Yes, I'm told pain killers like I take here are probably possible, but that alone isn't enough. And probably? Probably? I silently start weeping, quietly as Chai bunny has been so concerned & up on my bed no less than 7 times in the past few days-tears running down my half-hot face as I ponder 'probably'. Sitting in my primary care doctor's office Wednesday, I felt like I was holding out as I could tell she knew I was holding out, as I can't figure out how to say the words 'we are probably moving. In a few months'. Dad made the 6 month blood tests & follow-up as I waited in the car, not being able to stand lying in her office anymore. I asked him why we even made an appointment that we know we probably won't be keeping. It came out harsh when it meant to come out terrorized, but my brain is so lost it doesn't know how to communicate anymore. I just wish I could have a heating pad wrapped inside my head, go into a coma-like state & not come out until there were no more probablys, & only things have been made markedly better with your 3+ medical specialists.
I got this new app called Percolator, & it's awesome. It gives new movement & design to all my normally raw pics. Experimenting with it is so fun, & also telling. It fractions & divides & fades my pics just like my illnesses are doing. It shows how I am breaking apart into wee little pieces, as the old me slowly fades away...but it's a great app!
