Gutting realizations

For those of us cursed & sick, we realize the distance of family & friends very quickly. Today I find someone who I helped in past years (before kids & marriage came into play-again) to the safety & detriment of my myself-including hundreds of dollars-that some people have the unique gift of 'growing up', having family, & getting the leisure of forgetting those along the way-kids, marriage, etc that people like me don't have. It's a smashing of heart realization that many, even family, leave you behind to protect their new family. I get it, but I don't. I didn't chose this-I'd give anything to be behind that white picket fence, but that's not in the cards for someone like me. So I suffer-through this move, weeks without drs or help, & face the pain alone, while others home life sleeps in peace & without chance. They slumber & dream while I lie awake, screaming to no one in particular in agonizing pain. What a difference 6 years makes.

 

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Moving

We have now been in our new home for 15 days-my little apt out back has a ways to go, so I have been living in the house until things settle down. Chai bunny seems to be better after coming very close to death several times-right now that subject is too painful to think about. Leaving my beloved cat Zoe & dear rabbit Amsterdam buried in the backyard of the old house was too much to bear. After physically moving things that last morning for fear of my parents having heart attacks/strokes, my body is still in a major flare. We had to get my last prescription of pain meds in Alabama before we left-& ended up having to go to 2 pharmacies to find them as our usual drugstore was out. The 3 of us & my bunny & their cat rode smushed up in the front seat while we towed our car behind. I would have driven as in past times but with meds & physical condition that wasn't an option. Halfway through the trip-after food orders got mixed up & other typical problems happened-the uhaul broke down. An amazing lady dressed in her nice work clothes stopped & helped us for at least an hour while we waited on help. We ended up spending the night-sneaking pets into the hotel as it was the only hotel around & too hot to leave them in the truck...& that next morning is when Chai bunny became a rag doll, totally opposite her normal feisty demeanor. We finally got here after tears, sweat, prayers, fears, you name it Monday the 16th. I've kept a round the clock Chai bunny watching vigil, while my brother dearly had people here that next morning to unload & take the truck back. We didn't have cable, phones, Internet, etc for over ten days, but we were safe...not sound, but safe. Mom found a dr that just might work for me-neurologist who seems a lot like my old dear Dr. T, but I can't see him for about a month, so we will have to find out if & where I could get meds as I'll be without them for a week or so, & going off meds like that cold turkey is extremely dangerous. The weather here is so much hotter, & mom constantly worries about dad & heat stroke as he can't sit still & wants to get things liveable. Our refrigerator broke last week...we have had loads of these things happen & I worry mom will have a major breakdown as all our nerves are raw & bleeding. Sorry to paint such a bleak picture, but if you know me you know that I have to be honest. This is my therapy-coping-my way to vent. I wanted to catch everyone up & thank you so much for the many messages I've gotten letting me know I'm not alone. More very soon-xxxooo from us

Taken the morning of he move-sitting on the floor trying to get magical strength

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The guilt of being sick

As dad is in my room, vacuuming & preparing for the carpet guys to come measure for carpet to replace what Chai bunny & I ruined, my heart breaks. I feel I shouldn't be allowed even to have pets. We say some people shouldn't have the right to have kids in their care & now I wonder the same about me after Chai bunny passes.

After seeing my brother, his lovely wife, & adorable nephews yesterday, I woke up today so sore my arms feel like they have been run through pasta maker arms that flatten over & over-& I wasn't even able to sit while they ate lunch, pick up my one year nephew & barely could gently hug my older nephew. I realized as we will soon live a few miles away from then they are probably realizing that I will become their burden-one they don't deserve, need, or should have to handle.

 

 

Let it out

Today was an incredibly rough. Not just the usual pain & angst, but in trying to get my doctor here to send records to some unknown pain clinic 3 states away & failing, I realized there are a ton of pain doctors/clinics/but some do the meds but not the spinal shots, some do the shots but no meds...you get the point. I became incredibly frustrated. I can only see Internet info which is often very one sided. I realize as my friend described it I'm back on that house of cards. Before I even really started building the cards ripped, & my panicked mind along with it. I had to just give in to the panic attack, lay my head down & get in a fetal position modified to my screwed up body, & just let it out. For now.

 

 

I'm humble enough to ask

I wake up from loosely based sleep, in which stress dreams plague me all night. And all of yesterday afternoon, & the night before. If I was on the battlefield with a sword in my hand, I'm pretty sure I'd lay down my sword & hold my head high. After waking & unable to shake off the impossible dreams, Ryan Adams 'Save Me' is running through my head. I listen to it then find an old friend, Aimee Mann's brilliant 'Save Me', from the stunning film Magnolia.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urMq9XYzqC4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I know a hero...white knight isn't going to ride in and fix me. The question remains though. I'm at the point I am humble & humiliated to know I can't save myself. Not this weekend, not this too early morning, not this day. The morphine, ice packs, heating pads, & soft Chai bunny ears nudging me for touch are doing nothing to lessen this overwhelming pain, & I'm not above asking for saving.

 

#HAWMC WEGO Health blog month, day 7.