Time's humor

I was taking a pic recently & ended up capturing the wrong edge of the intended picture. Doesn't matter what or why, but I found the accident photo compelling. My eye in the pic is looking up, looking to see if I'm holding the cell camera right...which I wasn't, but my eye looks normal. Not so sad. Not filled with tears & dread-I was so focused I was too busy to look like my soul felt. I was playing with my hair. Let me explain-I found a subject a day chart on the net & thought I'd try it-& that day's was descent...however you wanted to cover or interpret it. My hair has changed so much since I got sick & I was thinking about the descent of my hair from well to sick, though my hair itself is really healthy. I don't style it, blow dry it, put any product in it-so it is totally boring & natural. Anyway, thinking about the last time I had it cut professionally-I can't remember.myears. A decade maybe. In a few hours I'll leap out for the first time in years to call a pain clinic. Evidently we are moving this summer, & I need to call them to see if they can take me, what I need to do to start the ball rolling-all the stuff that terrifies the one's who feel a good doctor is far more important than most anything else in life. I'm so scared-what if they aren't accepting new patients, or what if they are not a good fit? I've even had dreams of calling them with disastrous results. For me the unknown used to be so exciting. Move to a new country in 6 weeks without knowing anyone or speaking their language? Can I come now? Start grad school in my 30's with no money? Sign me up! Snorkel the great Barrier Reef even though I'm scared of fish & sharks? I only live once! I was pretty brave. Really fearless. Now making a phone call that signals me leaving my beloved doctors is much scarier than getting on a plane to commit to a country I can't pronounce most of their words. & away I go.

 

Sliced life

As many of my fellow sickities or those who know me know I often talk about the old me & this new me. More precisely, as it's been 5+ years, I think I should call it the now me. Today was a pretty decent day-no horrific stress dreams, pain more bearable for the first time in days, watching Justified & Southland & being amazed by such talent & incredible writing-dad finding my favorite veggie Lean Cuisine tofu strips & veggies in a tomato curry sauce, etc. Still though, I woke with a sense of doom. Seeing pics of friends & family on spring break trips thrilled me but made me long for the days of teaching ESL. One spring break I had 2 out of my 13 adult students in Little Rock who didn't have plans, so I took those 2 guys with me everywhere...out for drinks, the movies, anything-as seeing them so happy for their classmates going off on adventures yet sad to be left behind & alone crushed my heart for them. We had a blast, just doing normal things but getting to know them better-Ronaldo from Brazil, & BK from South Korea. BK opened up so much, & Ronaldo & I loved it as he & I were already good friends but seeing BK coming out of his shell was so liberating.

 

Today out in the garage, grabbing a club soda (or magic water as I lovingly refer to it) I saw some of my overseas things & student's gifts in a box, & it was the epitome of bittersweet. I don't know if I will ever fit the slices of my lives together well, but at least I can say on most days I try.

 

 

Words with really smart friends

I love any kind of word games, & have several on my iPad. Spell tower, Word Welder, etc. I am even halfway good at some of them...but Words With Friends, not so much. After getting up, goofing & sitting in my dr's office to deal with the shingles on my bum, blood test checks, & a thousand other hings with my 6 month check-up, dad saw that the waiting time would be hours & I was so uncomfortable that we rescheduled. Shingles be damned. Got home & was still awake when a friend started a game with me. I had gotten the game on sale months ago but hadn't really played, & had only played like twice if that. As an ex-English teacher & linguistics masters student, I feel a need to seem half competent, but I'm really not. I didn't even realize you could make 2 words on one play until my much smarter friend I'd it today. They must think 'her meds must be impeding her thought process' or if I play someone who doesn't know me think they are playing a 12 year old. Embarrassing? Yes. Beaten? Badly. Fun? Yes, & the sad little competitive me tries so hard & am on a child's level, & that's actually insulting to kids. I'll keep playing though, & maybe one day beat a 7 year old.

 

 

Hearts follow

 I started seeing hearts (& I've never been an I love hearts kind of girl) right before I started getting sick, really sick, about 6-7 years ago. I still catch glimpses, though not as much now. I would see them walking across campus at UALR in leaves, etc. today, after waking up in the middle of the night to the worse panic attack that still hasn't subsided hours later, this showed up, as I reached in the toilet paper bag for a new role, & pulled out this random roll. & no, this wasn't taken during any 'act'. ;)