Grieving the small

When people are around that normally aren't, as a sick pro you notice the little things. My sister, husband, 2 teenage nieces, and adorable dog are leaving tomorrow after being here a few days. We've had a great time, & today they shopped, got mani/pedis, etc. Chai bunny got petted a good while by lovely Abby, & loved her...& didn't want me to take her back up. She thumped when I put her back upstairs, as she had traced out to the full attention of someone who is sweet & is able to sit on the floor with her, & not like me-who has to reach down from the bed. Emma got awesome new shoes & Abby the cutest dresses. Cameron & I talked iPad technology, & Sloan & I talked everything. They ate out, took dad to the movies, & did the normal things. I forget how much people really live until they're around. Of course I hold no bad thoughts about any of that, but seeing a dress I might have worn, or a movie I would see on the big screen, etc, a part of me grieves, & parts of me die. That's normal, & if I wasn't that way I'd be lying.

 

 

Constellation me

After luckily winning an iTunes gift card from a contest the makers of the fantastic Star Walk (& Solar Walk & Geo Walk) I was inspired to buy the photo app, Poly, so I could make constellations of me & my life. Here are a few examples...thanks Star Walk!

 

 

 

 

Self in fade

Often times seeing family, as fantastic as it is, leaves me lonelier than I thought possible. My siblings, both close to my age, married & with great kids is very bittersweet. My glowing, honest, thorough joy for them is also shadowed by the me that could have been, or the possibility that one day it could change. Dad asking in front of the group to go to the movies with hem, knowing fully how bad it is just riding in a car, much less being in difficult seating, trying to walk distances so tough, but feeling like there might be a slight hope that maybe I'll say yes...cos I don't look sick. How do you explain how most chairs are torture chambers? That sitting at the table for 30 minutes leaves one in excruciating pain later that night? The gracefulness that they hopefully will never know that pain, but the frustration felt looking in their puzzled eyes as they try to understand.

 

Falling

Fell again today...but at least my brain told my arms to react this time. Been on a heating pad for hours...& family came in tonight to visit for 3 days. I can tell I'm boning to be a fantastic host. Oh sarcasm, we get on so well!

 

Bruises without boundaries

As a girl who has to take loads of medications, vitamins, herbs, etc, I tend to bruise easier than the Georgiaiest peach. After the 2nd big fall a few weeks ago, my dentist has me taking even more generic Advil for inflammation in my gums & right side of my jaw, which is still preventing me from biting down properly. After getting spinal shots on Valentines day, I also got the usual pain shot which helps the hour drive back home less painful. I woke up to find this bruise wrapped from my right hip/bum area all he way around my hip & stomach...roughly the size of my iPad. Lovely, no?

 

 

 

 

Happy spiney valentines!

 This is a couple of days late...but wanted to share my valentines day. The night before my parents surprised me with a little, adorable, perfectly tiny Kindle as a combined early March birthday, Easter, & any other spring holiday you can think of-it's perfect for me, & I took it with me to my neuro appt on V-Day. I absolutely love it, & have already started a ton of new free books. ;)

It even let's me underline & write notes to my heart's content!

 

Czech pub crawl days

 As my parents are getting us somewhat started in the moving process, every single day seems like there are new things of mine in the garage to discuss of 'can we give this away?' or boxes to sort through. Day before last one box held some very dear treasures. It was in a box of what seemed to be my lingerie drawer, & as I don't really have a need for much of that these days it had been in a box in the garage. When asked why two shirts & some others dear things were in said drawer, I smiled & answered that they were so special they deserved to be kept with lovely things. One was a beer shirt from a Czech company I worked for, & the other was my dear friend Henry's birthday pub crawl t-shirt. I cried when I read & saw all the things on it-a Scottish flag drawn by Stevie, Zoe the cat on one sleeve, Rob's 'Marnie is cool' heart drawing, my 'pivo/piva/piv'...the three forms of the p,urals of beer depending on how many you were ordering, with a little beer mug next to it. I miss those days so much, & the friends I still have now, even ten years on.