Hands keep the fear away

I've always loved horror films, books, etc. A great thriller or race for scary survival & I'm there...but from a young age through my teen years, I would watch with my hands over my face, peeking out between my fingers, knowing if I got too scared I could close that gap & be protected. I still love horror-not just slashers but ghost stories or Jaws or the enemy might be a microbe or robot. I love the bravery. The fight. The willingness of some to sacrifice for others.

 

Now, having had severe stress dreams for the past 5 years, funnily enough they aren't your typical horror, but scare me so much more. I'm abandoned. I lose my pets or can't find food for them as they die in front of me. I'm back trying to work while the boss is ganging up on me because I can't pull my weight. I wake up exhausted, & honestly I hate to go to sleep. When you dream such vivid things you make yourself stay awake sometimes, terrified to go back to bed. This stems from lack of control-the stress felt when you can't choose anything anymore. I so often wish I could just sleep with my fingers across my brain, & keep the terror from entering my soul.

 

Day 29-6 sentence story-#HAWMC/WEGO

I came downstairs yesterday & took my usual place on the bed. I have my necessary pillows in front & behind me, to cradle the body that I've become. I look to my right & see all of the bedroom has been packed into boxes. Pictures, books, mementos, all scattered yet tightly packed into various boxes from other various moves. There is a blank space in the shelves left for a box. I lay down in front of the space, & took pictures of this body packed up though unready to move.

 

The stars in my eyes hope-ebooks save me

After getting my beloved little Kindle, I have bought & gotten free a ton of books, as well as checked out ebooks from our library. Knowing how much I want to finish The Hunger Games trilogy, start the Game of Thrones series, several Nordic thrillers, a WWII true account, etc it gives me the silent knowing that staying around will include all of these magical adventures, & help take my focus away from the pain.

 

 

Happy spiney valentines!

 This is a couple of days late...but wanted to share my valentines day. The night before my parents surprised me with a little, adorable, perfectly tiny Kindle as a combined early March birthday, Easter, & any other spring holiday you can think of-it's perfect for me, & I took it with me to my neuro appt on V-Day. I absolutely love it, & have already started a ton of new free books. ;)

It even let's me underline & write notes to my heart's content!

 

How ebooks helped bring me back to reading

 I will always love a physical book...the feel, the weight, the particular paper used, the smell, the cover art. After I got sick, I found the mere combination of holding a book open while reading was exhausting. After 7-8 pages I wouldn't be able to continue. I couldn't believe it-it sounds impossible to not be able to simply read. I used to read 3-5 books a week, & losing that was another of my great griefs of being chronically sick. After I got an iPad, I got the kindle app, & recently started checking out ebooks from the library & getting free or cheap books through the Amazon kindle store. I find that having black pages & white letters helps tremendously. 

Today, I finished my 1st book in 5 years. Although my joy is tempered by the tear stained pained eyes from what morphine can't cancel out, I still am so proud of myself. It sounds so pathetic, but going from reading 5 long novels a week to nothing in 5 years, well, I find my joy where I can. 

P.S. my book was 'Sleeping Murder', by the brilliant Agatha Christie-a Ms. Marple mystery

 

 

Sweaty laugh

 I haven't laughed in a week. Not at all. I think we all are aware of my impending moving dr doom & my 2nd tree fall this week, thus my haggard rodeo clown face. I can't really brush my teeth as my mouth is still so swollen, & drinking or eating is a nightmare as opening my mouth cracks open the road rash above my lips. Lovely thought, ain't it? And showering? Well, let's just not even go there...eewww. So I'm on twitter to basically win prizes & follow funny people. I put little-nothing out there of any real significance. At all. I was catching up on reading twitter as my focusing on say, a book, is a useless waste of time. That fall really just hit directly on my brain. I was reading the delightful Rob Delany's tweets & went on his website, expecting it to be a normal 'I'm famous & here is where you can find me' mess. A picture of a small girl running, no, fleeing, up in the air-like serious hang time, in spandex shorts & flip flops & a tank with a look of shear terror on her face as a goose-also in midair with one footed web foot out & forward like a cartoon chased her. His face had an enchanting murderous look & the caption read 'no is not an option for a goose'. I started laughing & a half hour later had sweated completely through my clothes, still couldn't talk from laughing & deep coughing. I finally had to blow my nose & as expected there was just buckets of blood from my smashed nose all over. Mom actually said concerned 'surely one of the 4 CTs from the ER would have shown if something was broken...?' with loving hate I composed the following tweet to @robdelany & a bit later was thrilled to see he had marked it as a favorite. Read & enjoy. ;)

 

 

 Do visit him & the goose now, you hear? Thanks. 

new year, new books, new headphones

I spent most of New Year's Eve watching a Big Bang Theory marathon, reading my new books that were free on Kindle or the 3 books I won from Mira Ink. As my headphones-the earbuds that are noise isolating...necessary for survival in my waiting room hours-broke last week, I used some Christmas money and got some new ones for under ten bucks. I wasn't expecting them to get here until after the new year, but a happy surprise hit when they arrived yesterday. They are fantastic-they really drown out the outside noise and amplify the music, movies, tv, etc. really well. 

I slept through the midnight mark-and woke up around 3:30 AM. I got up, read some, watched Netflix, and tried to forget that my last kiss was over 6 years ago. And it wasn't a good one. Ugh. All in all though with my last glass of champagne and new headphones and new books, it was pretty tops considering. Happy new year to all of you-wishing you laughter, peace, great snapshot moments, surprising little joys, and fun this new year. xxxooo