Get out.

Physically & emotionally the past day or two have been awful. Scale of 1-10, a 17. When I went upstairs yesterday to check on Chai bunny & try to examine her & see if she is still sick (long story, but she's possibly sick & I'm still freaking) I took this shot of her. She was mad, sick of me trying to examine her, & mad that I've been spending all my time downstairs while the parents are gone, & I'm taking care of Macy cat,who is also sick. We should just open a damn clinic here. This picture is so cute & funny, & after I took it Chai took off to the corner & thumped loudly to show her frustration. I don't blame her. Sitting here crying I see myself looking into the tunnel watching fibromyalgia among other things take over my life, no matter how hard I fight to keep going. God I just want to give up yet also just beat the shit out of it-& I can't really do either. It's so frustrating. The toll constant intense pain has on a person can honestly drive them to madness, in a heartbeat. How long does that heart manage to keep beating?

 

Grieving the small

When people are around that normally aren't, as a sick pro you notice the little things. My sister, husband, 2 teenage nieces, and adorable dog are leaving tomorrow after being here a few days. We've had a great time, & today they shopped, got mani/pedis, etc. Chai bunny got petted a good while by lovely Abby, & loved her...& didn't want me to take her back up. She thumped when I put her back upstairs, as she had traced out to the full attention of someone who is sweet & is able to sit on the floor with her, & not like me-who has to reach down from the bed. Emma got awesome new shoes & Abby the cutest dresses. Cameron & I talked iPad technology, & Sloan & I talked everything. They ate out, took dad to the movies, & did the normal things. I forget how much people really live until they're around. Of course I hold no bad thoughts about any of that, but seeing a dress I might have worn, or a movie I would see on the big screen, etc, a part of me grieves, & parts of me die. That's normal, & if I wasn't that way I'd be lying.

 

 

Pretty fluff

  In many flower arrangements, the filler is often some generic, fluffy stuff. It tends to be ignored & dismissed & is often bland to make the beauty of the flowers stand out...like a bride next to ugly bridesmaid dresses. I woke up today with Chai bunny thumping me awake & saving me from my nightmare, got up & wondered if it was my moaning in pain that alarmed her instead. I try & take these awful painful extra morphine days as the fluff, so that the less painful days really stand out.

 

Bunny, shingles, & lungs

 Since I moved in here 5 years ago, I developed (probably due to an allergy) a horrible chronic, deep, body-wracking cough. Last night I felt like my upper back was hurting...& long story short, we realized my lungs were so congested & stopped up that simply put, my lungs hurt. I have an appt next Monday with an ENT, to figure out if there is more I can do to keep this cough at bay. I was treated for pneumonia in February, & it feels the same. Stupid lungs, breathing in fresh air! ;)

My shingles are back on my thigh, & they are so tiny but managing to get a pic today to confirm was a great accomplishment. Wanna see? 

 

 Sweet Chai bunny honestly, it's happened & has been witnessed, will thump when I'm asleep but my lungs/breathing are raspy. She is, we are convinced, magic. She has been on high alert as my coughing that (scares mom's cat downstairs) doesn't really scare her but keeps her hopping away as her giant ears are being split with my decibel raising coughing. She also will wake herself up thumping, will continue softly thumping as she makes sure whatever she was dreaming about is gone. That bunny keeps me smiling even in the absolute worst situations. I'd be lost without her.