Illness with a side of depression

 Sometimes there are no words, too many tears, and so much unwarranted guilt. Only pictures can tell the whole story.

 

 

Prettying up the pills

 I get so sick of taking medicine, so I did a photo series making the ugly in my world...though I depend upon them for pain, sanity, etc...a bit prettier. 

 

 

 

 

 

Dentist after the fall

 After falling almost 2 weeks ago, it was time to see the dentist as my teeth aren't hitting right & biting down isn't working. We were scared I had bent my bridge (front 4 teeth on top) & that it might need replacing, etc, but thankfully it just bruised the gums a lot & there is still a good amount of inflammation affecting my mouth/bite. Also my right side of my jaw is swollen & sore he discovered. So all in all it went much better than I expected. 

 

The bad part...& many of you professional sick people will understand, just sitting in the dentist's chair (even with my pillow I brought under my knees) starting shooting pain from my back & pinched nerve within a few minutes of sitting down. It's so hard to explain why later in the day & days after why sitting in a nice, cushioned chair can really hurt in the long run. I have 4 cavities I have to take care of in 2 separate appointments later in the next few weeks. :(

 

Present skin

 I have a pinched nerve in my back, which after the fall a few weeks ago has been truly unbearable. Like I want to blow my head off or be put in a coma just so I won't be aware of the pain. A few minutes ago, I reached back to adjust the always present ice pack for inflammation that has filled my body like I'm a pod person, & when I did I barely grazed my skin. Not with a fingernail, not with anything sharp-just my finger barely touching my skin...& it felt like I had taken a lit match & held it there to burn & fester. I try & see my life like this pic-the left exciting, with beautiful colors & tons of pebbles representing events, Super Bowl parties, travel, drinks with friends. The right side is my now life-giant circles of bland colorless life.

 

How ebooks helped bring me back to reading

 I will always love a physical book...the feel, the weight, the particular paper used, the smell, the cover art. After I got sick, I found the mere combination of holding a book open while reading was exhausting. After 7-8 pages I wouldn't be able to continue. I couldn't believe it-it sounds impossible to not be able to simply read. I used to read 3-5 books a week, & losing that was another of my great griefs of being chronically sick. After I got an iPad, I got the kindle app, & recently started checking out ebooks from the library & getting free or cheap books through the Amazon kindle store. I find that having black pages & white letters helps tremendously. 

Today, I finished my 1st book in 5 years. Although my joy is tempered by the tear stained pained eyes from what morphine can't cancel out, I still am so proud of myself. It sounds so pathetic, but going from reading 5 long novels a week to nothing in 5 years, well, I find my joy where I can. 

P.S. my book was 'Sleeping Murder', by the brilliant Agatha Christie-a Ms. Marple mystery

 

 

Groundhog day, the movie

 I have a friend who never really watched tv or movies, but LOVED the flick Groundhog Day. With Bill Murray in it you can hardly go wrong (God I love that man). Funny thing about my life...I live that movie-where everything is the same day after day after day after day after day-did I mention day after day? The only things that change are the number of my falls, which beloved pet dies, & the once a month awesome yet painful neuro doctor visit-awesome cos he is the only person physically close (as in I see him regularly) to me that really, truly, thoroughly gets fibromyalgia, the depression, the extreme sensitivity to lights, flares, & knows why & exactly where it hurts every single time. 

 

 

Now, evidently in a few months my day will change. I will move. I will grieve, yet again, about losing someone I love. But that's par for my course, as losing friends who can't understand why sitting & talking to them keeps me in bed for a few day, or why working 4 hours a week (which my friend said '4 hours a week is nothing!') truly is something impossible in my world, or friends who devastate me more by saying 'you can do it! You'll be fine' having no idea the cost. 

So happy groundhog day to my friend I miss so much I get physically sick to my stomach, who I will always link him & groundhog day, & to those of you whose days vary, I envy you in a sweet way. For you will never know what reliving the same day over again for 5 years does to a persons soul. 

 

Zoe cat, Oct. 25,95-Feb. 1, 2011

 I just woke up, in a frenzied, panicked state. A year ago today, I had to put my beloved Zoe cat, age 15 & 1/2 years old, to sleep. It was the right thing & all that, but it is as fresh & cruel as it was a year ago. My longtime vet had the wisdom after giving her the shot that would end her & listening to make sure her heart stopped to gently wrap Zoe up in the towel I brought her in, to give me visual closure. To see her disappear into that mint green rolled up towel will forever be my last look at Zoe. 

 

I read recently somewhere about time healing, so to give time time, but for me, in this state of the housebound everyday is another long, hard same day, I hate time. Time in this case has put distance from that event but has only broken my heart more. Yes I remember all the good times with Zoe, all the overseas close calls & her little passport that got left in the Prague airport, but right now all I feel & have felt this past year is pain.