Hands keep the fear away

I've always loved horror films, books, etc. A great thriller or race for scary survival & I'm there...but from a young age through my teen years, I would watch with my hands over my face, peeking out between my fingers, knowing if I got too scared I could close that gap & be protected. I still love horror-not just slashers but ghost stories or Jaws or the enemy might be a microbe or robot. I love the bravery. The fight. The willingness of some to sacrifice for others.

 

Now, having had severe stress dreams for the past 5 years, funnily enough they aren't your typical horror, but scare me so much more. I'm abandoned. I lose my pets or can't find food for them as they die in front of me. I'm back trying to work while the boss is ganging up on me because I can't pull my weight. I wake up exhausted, & honestly I hate to go to sleep. When you dream such vivid things you make yourself stay awake sometimes, terrified to go back to bed. This stems from lack of control-the stress felt when you can't choose anything anymore. I so often wish I could just sleep with my fingers across my brain, & keep the terror from entering my soul.

 

The Windy Shadows

As I watched the 2nd to last 'House' last night, I realized we actually have more in common than just chronic pain. & dependence on meds. & grouchy attitudes at certain times. ;) I love mysteries & puzzles as much as his character, but of course in different ways. I've always loved mysteries-I think my love for the Mystery Machine & the gang from Scooby Doo started it, & I have never looked back. At least 85% of my books I own or borrow from our incredible library (which lends loads of ebooks!) are mysteries. My dad & I share that, & our many tv shows we both love involve mystery, & we always put in our bets of who we think did it early in the episodes. My art, photography, & poetry involves a huge amount of abstract mystery. I enjoy the word play & working with word combos that involve a ton of deducing skills. As I've gotten to be a human puzzle & try to put together the unique pieces of my illnesses, I've gleaned skills. Anything I read, watch, even hear I use as tips or tricks in coping. Some are as simple as focusing on an intense film & others are borrowing survival skills from survivors & detectives. As I watched the really brilliant PBS 'Sherlock' tv series last night I felt it so much-I had a fever & was all covered up, watching the pair of them on the moors looking for a giant hound & having all the lights off I felt like I had the perfect mystery combo. Sick girl, puzzling story, windy shadows, cat knocking over a glass & scaring me to death (as the horror movie cliche goes) as I huddled under blankets watching Baskerville hounds. I recently got all the Sherlock stories for 99 cents, & am also reading at least 4-6 other mystery thrillers as well, & gaining every bit of wit & wisdom to take away with me on this insane journey.