Tangled up layers of a person

It is hard to know when I see myself which parts have been there all along, which are just coming out, & which are just the way my persona & body & soul are coping. I wrote this earlier tonight, as the house was getting ready to be shown to sell. Me behind the filth, the perceived anger, the not included in decision making then when I get 'angry' what you see. Me behind the 'how can you live like this?' me behind the purposeful lives of my siblings & their families. Me behind the failure. The pain. The searching. The lost. The forgone conclusion.

 

Day 18 WE ARE DIREWOLVES...#HAWMC WEGO

Our starting point for today is to open a book (or in my case-my kindle, though I did open the book I was reading & turn the pages) & the first sentence you see to use that & free write for 15-20 minutes. My book is the first Game of Thrones books...full of epic battles, love, loss, dragons, knights, power, the throne, kingdoms, flaws, strengths, strong women, smart men, etc. All the things you could possibly want from that genre, with a bit more. Oh, & direwolves, violence, & wildlings. ;)

'She's not a dog, she's a direwolf.' I immediately go to the 'but you don't look (or sound as I was told recently) sick' phrase all of us invisible illness people have heard at some point. We may look like a normal wolf, but we aren't...we are direwolves. We are different. Stronger. Smarter. More intuitive. I've met so many of us who seem to have or have gained these qualities from having these illnesses. We may look like a wolf, but inside, we are special. We are stronger. We are direwolves. There are many minuses in being 'special'. I don't have to waste your time in listing all of them. I've learned though that we are so much stronger, tougher, wiser, & braver in being abnormal. We have the fire inside of us. We have the strength to be vulnerable. We are on the battlefield daily, & we have many, many scars to prove it. As one of my twitter friends says, we are chronically awesome.

Pic titled The fire inside

Keep calm...WEGO/HAKMC Day 9

For day 9's task, we were to create through the keep calm & carry on maker online, but to use our message, illnesses, etc to personalize. As the lymphedema (severe swelling in one leg) is getting much worse, it is very hard to just walk. A few hours ago the parents called me down to the garage to go through a few boxes. I was hurt & surprised as they knew how going up & down the stairs is a ton more difficult with the left leg elephant limb...it was tough. To see an ex-boyfriend's postcard, bits & pieces from my teaching, overseas souvenirs, marriage things, you get the drift.

Of course I made piles of to save/donate/throw out, & feeling like an emotional rake was gouging through me I took a few pieces (that I'll through away) but not before I, as always, document some of the things, & explain their relevance. In keeping with my quest to document by photography this savage disease, I made this 'keep calm' alteration.