Leaning into nothing

Sometimes what I think is a solid thing to lean onto-something that will hold me up-I see it's actually dark & missing. I'm leaning onto the abyss.

Earlier tonight mom noticed-again-that as my permanent sitting position is Indian style-it leaves red patches on my legs where my legs are smushed together. It worries her. I get that, yet I cannot sit with my legs extended without sharp pain in my lower back. Anyone with back problems-imagine when it is worse-after standing a long time or after doing certain household chores-imagine that searing pain whenever you stick your legs out. Even a tiny bit-that's what I feel in my back unless I'm sitting on a bed with my legs crossed Indian style. I would love to be able to casually fling down on a couch, my legs propped up in front of me on a table, or curl up in a comfy chair with my legs dangling over the side while reading a book...but I can't. That's one reason doctor visits are awful-sitting in the waiting room physically hurts. It sounds so ridiculous but totally true. It depresses me so much that this fact gets questioned & exists. I feel I'm in such a dark hole & surfacing is so far away.

 

Did I tell you? Do you know?

I gasp as I have my mouth covered. Covered from my parents hearing me-as I hold my gasp in the palm of my hands, I suck in for air to be met with salty, wet palmed skin meeting my mouth. Dad has gotten me beer as my spinal shots, morphine lacking relief has failed. A last ditched begged effort for pity & relief. Did they hear me? Did I stifle enough? I try so hard as beer is as expensive as medicine that has yet to find me a hiding place.

 

He has bought me full-on Budweiser. The Czech original, corrupted by greedy Americans. I listen to William Fitzsimmons, & the loved Julia Stone on his gorgeous album. On my iPad, I can see it as orbiting planets & moons as far from the original album as I am with relief on the app 'planetery'. I watch as my songs orbit moons. Did I ever tell you how I love space? Did I ever tell you the 'Budvar/Busweiser' story? How many key things did I forget to tell you, as I thought we had all the time in the world? Will you hear this song & know why it makes me cry? I hope I did, or that you find it in my SOS emails. You're so smart-& knew me so well...but did I know it all myself at the time? Will you figure it out? As you travel our world, will you figure it out from my missing pieces?

 

I hope you think of me as I was, as the current has too many tears to stifle. So many tears yet to find.

 

 

The fallout